I‘m pro pipeline.
There, I said it. It is a little scary to admit it publicly, but I can’t hold back any longer.
My true feelings are this: I look forward to a day when a massive steel snake straddles the Rockies, pumping pure economic benefits from one side of a mountain range to the other. Liquid capitalism shall flow freely along the pipe’s single, hollow vein. Vast numbers of jobs will flourish at either end of this great metal monument to market forces. Think of it like tiny little bubbles of employment floating in the liquid gold pumped from one market to another.
“But Rory…!?” You might exclaim, “How can you support a project that will lead to the wholesale destruction of delicate ecosystems? How are you able to justify the massive emissions of greenhouse gasses of an oil-based economy? What about the toxic effects of spilled bitumen oil at sea and along the coastline of our fair nation!?”
The answer is: I can’t.
“OK… But you still think we should build a pipeline?”
Yes. For beer.
You see BC currently produces vast amounts of Canada’s best craft beer. The brewing industry as a whole in Canada employs significantly more people then the oil industry does, and with far less subsides. Why the hell is the federal government planning to allow them to pipe toxic oil sludge through sensitive environments for little profit and few jobs? I don’t know either. What I do know is that beer is not toxic sludge, is far less hazardous to the environment, and it’s better for the economy!
So, let’s build a pipeline! Yes, one filled with beer. A pipe that can carry it’s own form of liquid gold, or deep amber, or dark ale. A pipe that will send eastern ales to western shores and then on to even more eastern markets. And let this pipe also lift BC’s brews back over the same mountain peaks to thirsty citizens of all the land.
The Brew Line. It just makes sense. If this pipe springs a leak, no specialists need be brought in to clean up. A simple post on Twitter or Facebook would have every hipster from Comox to Calgary racing towards the “disaster” with empty growlers. Beer is also a lot less flammable then oil, and about as toxic as a tea cosy. Having beer covered flora and fauna is not a major issue, besides the occasional hung-over otter.
I know the idea of a 2000 km long pipe filled with beer, crossing the Rocky Mountains, sounds a little crazy. But think of that same pipe filled with the thickest, most toxic type of oil. A pipe filled with a substance that makes less money than beer, creates less jobs than beer and tastes like death.
That’s why I’m pro pipeline, but only if it’s for beer.