When New Years Day Becomes Breakup Day
Romantic resolutions go awry.
When that clock struck twelve and we were ushered into a New Year, we celebrated the fact that we made it through another 365 days; we were grateful our jobs, our families, our college courses, our partners and significant others, and finally gave ourselves a pat on the back as we nodded in agreement at this year’s resolutions — this year, you’ll outright say what you think and feel, you’ll be more confident, more organized, more motivated, more pumped for success, etc. etc. However, for some of us, the start of the New Year was also an excuse to end a relationship, to sever ties with certain relations, to put the past aside in the literal sense. For those of you who are relieved that it’s over because you didn’t have the guts to end it yourselves and now you feel that you can start the year off fresh since the fault is not on you, congratulations. For those of you who are superstitious and believe that whatever you experience on the first day of the year is what you’ll be experiencing for the next 364 days to come, it’s both illogical and improbable that you’d go through a new heartbreak on every waking day to come. For the rest of us who were confident and hopeful in our prospects that we had a chance at rising from friend-zone to something more, or that our existing relationship was on the mend in a positive way, or we finally got the courage to ask, “Do you have feelings for me?” and got a not-so-positive end result, especially through something as impersonal as texts, or e-mail, or Facebook messages…get in line.
Breakups are not easy at any time of the year because there are personal reasons behind them, but they do leave deeper scars when they happen on holidays or important calendar dates since those particular days are more memorable and everlasting. Subconsciously, we compare this year’s events with those of last year, so while some of you were rejoicing and making out under the fireworks for 2016, or walking around with a smile the next morning wishing strangers a “Happy New Year”, others were numb-struck and weeping alone in agony or glaring at passersby with scowls. You don’t remember a breakup day if it happened sometime in the middle of August, but you definitely remember if it happened on Valentine’s Day or Christmas. It is a naive and pathetic excuse for anyone to say that the holidays are stressful and couples are torn apart because they can’t handle it, and no day of significance should be used as an experimental time of the year to see how two people will react in the future.
Like any other malady that your body experiences, breakups have their own side-effects that anyone who ever surrendered a part of themselves to another will experience: you swallow hard to keep your fluids down as an ache creeps up your stomach and weighs down on your chest with a stabbing pain and fiery numbness; you grasp at your throat and try to breathe in deep but it feels as if half the oxygen you take in somehow misses your lungs; you cry in a corner when everyone’s asleep or out of the house and you hide in a closet so no one sees your eyes and hears your sniffles; you slam the cabinets without noticing and for some unexplainable reason, you can’t remember where you put anything. The first thing to go is your appetite even though your stomach is growling for your attention and after all the tears have dried up on your face and shirt, you seem to have an unquenchable thirst. Suddenly the food tastes like sand, every comment out of people’s mouths irritates you, the tissue boxes have gone missing because you’re hogging them all to yourself in your room, and the only comfort you find is in the familiarity of your melancholia and the clothes you refuse to take off to wash yourself from the stench of saliva and body sweat.
It’s usually when you run out of tissues and you steal the toilet paper to wipe your tears away, that your roommates, family, and friends take notice something’s not right. No, a hug doesn’t make the crying stop — once you get a drink, you’ll have tears to shed again anyway; no, talking about it doesn’t change the fact that it happened and it doesn’t reverse time to take back what you said — better to confess now and repent later, than bite your tongue and regret you missed your chance to try; no, puking your guts out won’t lessen the impact of the news; and no, bad-mouthing your ex to your friends and family doesn’t make him/her a worse or better person than you. What makes the most difference after any breakup, especially one that took place on a memorable day, is how you treat yourself afterwards. In this case, if it happened at the start of a New Year, it should make it just a tad more motivating to change up a few things and progress from there.
There is no step-by-step guide to get over someone you deeply cared about, just like there’s not enough people in the world to assure you that you’ll recover from the pain because they went through it too. Whatever research was done on heartbreaks suggested that your body feels unrequited love in the same way it deals with a broken limb. For right now, the best thing that I or anyone else out there who felt abandoned, rejected, and forgotten can do is share the little things that they tried in order to find themselves again. If you can recover from a car crash, a fractured jaw, and a surgery, you sure as hell can recover from a single person’s lack of appreciation of you and all the amazing and irreplacable qualities about you that they couldn’t take in. Start by avoiding writings that contain cliche proverbs, like “Fresh air will do you good” and “Time heals all” or “This too shall pass” — they’ll just piss you off more. What you want is for this pain to stop right now — no excuses, no sacrifices, no reminders that you spent the last so-so weeks or months or years growing roots beside someone else. Except, there’s a catch to that demand: there is no quick fix to heartache like a “how-to” article you can google for every other thing you want figured out in mere seconds!
1.Block them on phones, emails, skype, social media, etc. Temporarily. Usually, you’d start out slow like getting out of your bed and walking in circles in your room for exercise, or actually noticing your phone ringing when someone is calling you or texting rather than muting the tone. Naturally, you’d jump at the chance to see who it is, hoping that it’s your ex being considerate enough to see how you are — that only happens in romance films.
If you want to be on good terms with each other, distance yourself from him/her just to get your every waking thought off of them until the intimate memories don’t make you break down and the moments of laughter don’t make you curl up in a corner and stare into the abyss. That means, hold off on the “Hi” and “How are you?” texts, or the long clarification messages about your feelings for a few days or even weeks, until you feel that your heart doesn’t flutter at the sound of their name or an incoming call or text, no matter who it’s from…because secretly you’re hoping it’s from your ex.
Don’t visit each other — if they broke up with you, especially over a text or some other digital form of communication, they already don’t see the need to face you in person anyways, so don’t drag yourself all the way over to where they are to have a few last minute words or to pick at every phrase they said.
If you don’t want to be on good terms with each other, block everything. Period. Don’t bother with the cursing and the yelling and the belittling — it’ll only make things worse for both of you trying to be the top dog in a never-ending argument.
2. Get out of the house. At first, it’ll feel like the sunlight is your worst enemy and you’re better off playing vampire behind shut curtains, dark rooms, and boosting your self-confidence with video games in which you’re the protagonist and everybody wants to be your friend. Look for a reason to leave the house, even if it’s to get fresh milk or eggs or something that you’re running short on…like the toilet paper that you used to blow your nose in. If it’s breezy or rainy, that’s an even better excuse for you if you break down and cry in the middle of the street because you can say that something went in your eyes. Stay away from places that you two visited or passed by and had meaningful moments at, because you’re just going to be dragged back into the old memories and your walk was for naught. Make it a habit to go out every day when you wake up, even if you finally feel safe rolling out of bed in the afternoon, just for a walk or a jog or a bike ride or the gym. You don’t have to stick to that routine forever, but stick to it until you stop remembering the intimate moments with every other step you take.
3. Clean up. Even if you’re the kind of person that usually needs five minutes in the shower, take your time cleaning yourself up: shave, wax, get a haircut, brush your teeth, start to pay attention to your personal hygiene again even if it’s little by little. Look around the place you stay at and rearrange your living space — donate old things you don’t want, move a bookcase around to make more room, try new meals that you never had before. Whatever objects you find that belong to or remind you of him/her, just put them in a box against a corner or hide away in some closet until you’re either asked to give them back or you’re confident enough to return it to them yourself without wondering about the “Why’s”, the “What if’s”, or the possibilities.
4. Find a hobby. Some of you had hobbies when you were younger that you put aside for your career or because you weren’t confident enough in your skills — pick them up again and express what you’re thinking or feeling with notes, or canvas and paint, or photography, or poetry, or a cause you want to bring awareness to, or a sport you used to do in school. You could even enroll yourself in a college course just for the hell of learning something you’re curious about. The challenge of focusing on a new activity will take your mind off your ex and direct your attention to perfecting another skill.
5. Surround yourself with supporting and positive individuals. Socialize. Let it out. That does not mean go to a bar and gorge on alcohol or find a rebound to cling to until you get your self-confidence back. You are still going through an emotional roller coaster — do you really want to cause that same kind of pain to someone else just to feel better about yourself? It’s not bad to share the fact that you just went through a recent breakup with other people you know: what you felt then, what you feel now, what you’re scared of in the future when it comes to relationships, etc. And it’s absolutely fine to be irritated at happy people or couples walking around. Try and actually believe in the steadfastness of your friends’ motivational speeches that you’ll find someone better that appreciates you for you. Actually, envision yourself being happy with someone, even if for right now, you can’t make out the face or the smile or the touch or the places you’ll be. If anyone can see your situation from a neutral perspective and give logical advice, it’s your friends — trust it.
There will be times that you feel that the people you want to talk to are not there for you at the moments you need them to be in order to listen to your thoughts before they overwhelm you. If that’s the case, there’s nothing embarrassing about talking to a therapist that will encourage you to let it all out and gradually get over the past.
6. Don’t blame others for your actions. Before you got in a relationship, I’m sure others shared their perspectives of him/her with you. Just because friends and roommates said, “He’ll/She’ll never break your heart,” or “They’re a good egg. I’ve known them for years,” doesn’t mean you pin the end result on their opinion. The choice was on you and you chose to be with them.
7. Get away. For those of you that take the ‘start fresh and new’ as a serious challenge and want to commit to it entirely, another option is to take a trip out of wherever you are right now. Get away from the environment that remains a constant reminder of him/her or a past you don’t want to carry on your shoulders anymore. Pay for a bus ticket or a train or a plane and go to a place you’ve never been to before — it doesn’t have to be out of the country. Explore the area, the culture, the history, the landmarks, the neighborhoods. Do you see yourself living in that place? Look into jobs or even places to rent, envision yourself making new memories there, meeting new people while you’re out and about walking down the street. The year is new, after all— why not start with something spontaneous?
Above all else, it’s ok to cry while all of this is going on, just as it’s ok to feel abandoned and used, and as if your trust was severed into dozens of pieces. In fact, the crying might not stop — it’ll just keep coming back again and again even if you’re just cooking a meal or reading the paper. It’s normal to question how was it that all those promises they made to you were broken all at once, but you’ll only fool yourself if you think that you can win him/her back by giving it another chance after some time, or if you promise to wait for them while they work out their feelings, or if they’ll choose you over someone else— that’s just a temporary comfort for your heart, a fantasy, and a delusion.
This piece was written by Theodora Karamanlis. Follow Savvy on Twitter, Facebook, subscribe to our newsletter or email us. We love feedback!