Nice guys finish last?
No, they don’t. “Nice guys” do.
Firstly, if you define yourself as a “nice guy” (and are serious about it), you aren’t. The [air quote] nice guy mentality is one that is ultimately flawed and disconnected from reality. It is a mentality of entitlement, and ultimately misogyny.
Maybe I have gone too deep down the rabbit hole during my internet musings, but here’s what I think of this crap. Take the militant stereotype:
- Nice Guy: Hey Jane, how are you doing today? You look great in your latest fb pic ;)
- Jane Doe: Haha thank you I appreciate the compliment. I’m doing great, just out with some friends. What’s up?
- NG: Oh nm, just at home, super bored. Want to hang out?
- JD: Can’t right now, but maybe some other time? I’ll text you!
- NG: oic, that’s fine you’d rather hang out with your friends than someone like me lol, I get it.
- JD: No that’s not it I’m just busy.
- NG: You know I think you’re super attractive.
- JD: That’s nice of you to say, what are you getting at here?
- JD: Look I should just be straight up with you, I appreciate that you think I’m attractive but I’m not interested in anything with you. You’re a great guy but I just don’t think of you like that.
- NG: Great thanks lol that’s not what I was getting at though, obviously you’d never date someone like me, I know you only go for those guys who are terrible students, drink and smoke all the time, etc. You wouldn’t appreciate someone with intellect or interest in the world.
- JD: Dude I’m just not attracted to you. Move on.
- NG: Yeah whatever. You’re just another dumb bitch haha. Not worth my time.
Although I have made this up, I and I’m sure many others have experienced something similar in real life. Let me dissect this just for kicks. In lines 1 and 2, we see the opening. NG opens with a creepy, flirtatious gesture, which JD tries to diffuse immediately and deflect with a question instead of a mirrored response. If JD was interested, she would’ve replied, “thanks, you look great too ;)” or something along those lines. NG doesn’t take the hint.
He then pops the “hang out” question. Obviously JD doesn’t want to hang out with this guy, so she deflects again, hoping that escalation can be avoided. In line 4, she hopes to never text him again, but by now she recognizes he is a nice guy and doesn’t take rejection well.
*** That’s another thing. Ladies: never, ever be nice to “nice guys”. Be straight up. Don’t worry about their feelings. If they get rejected from the onset it’ll be much better than if they perceive you “leading them on” and then rejecting them. That’s how you get stalked, raped or killed. “Nice guys” aren’t really good people, don’t ever forget that.***
Line 5: NG’s true colors start to show. Oh lul you wouldn’t want to hang out with someone like me. Feel sorry for me please. JD may or may not be responding sincerely, but now she’s very uncomfortable with how the conversation is going; she feels cornered.
In line 7: the last attempt of NG to make a move. JD responds with a slightly less upbeat response in line 8, and then realizes she’s made a mistake. She needs to be straight up now (line 9).
At this point the conversation devolves and we see NG get all animated and flustered, as well as aggressive. Of course I could continue (for fun) but what’s the point?
- Entitlement. Because NG compliments the woman, he expects her to warm up to him. He expects this as part of some social contract of sorts. An extreme example: “I complimented her, called her pretty, offered to take her out on a nice date and pay, why isn’t she ripping her clothes off yet?”
- Misogyny. Since she won’t do what he wants, he views himself as superior — someone who is above the normal “asshole guy” — and most importantly, someone who thinks he has something enlightening to offer his inferior friend JD. I personally think this is a coping mechanism, but it’s still misogyny.
- Self-pity. The world is against Mr. NG, and of course he can’t do a thing to change it.
Some advice to the “nice guys”
If you want to have even a shot, here’s what you need to do.
Stop acting so entitled. You could do everything correctly in your mind and she still has every right to never speak to you again. That is her right and there is nothing you can do about that. In fact, it is your right too, but you probably never thought of it the other way around, have you?
Stop acting as if she’s your trophy for you to spoil. You do realize that we’re in the 21st century now right? Women are allowed to do the same things men are, and 99% of the women I’ve met in my life don’t want doors held open, or chairs pulled out. So stop focusing on shallow chivalrous acts and instead focus on making yourself an interesting person.
Stop making false dichotomies. You can be fit, like to have fun sometimes, and extremely learned all at the same time! The fact that you’re too lazy to be healthy and hygienic is your problem. In fact, most people that are successful in life in general are all of these things.
Stop being so shallow. You claim to be a deep intellectual, and yet you can’t wrap your brain around the fact that you’re following some almost scripted method of “wooing” women which is so archaic it might not have even worked in 1950? Shame on you for thinking women are almost mechanical to the point that if you say the right things you’ll win them over no questions asked and they’ll do whatever you expect of you. Shame on you for thinking that you can be a shallow asshole under the guise that you actually have some depth.
The fact of the matter is that “nice guys” will always finish last because they’re so focused on being nice they’ve forgotten that they need to be interesting.
Here’s another secret: being nice isn’t the key to unlock women’s underwear. Being nice (not “creepy nice” like in the conversation, a better word may be “kind”) is a prerequisite, because — news flash! — everyone should be a nice person. I don’t even want to speak to someone who is shitty, let alone date them.
In summary, do be
- hard working
- focused on making yourself a better person independent of anyone else
- healthy and fit
- having expectations
- forceful and pushy
- “chivalrous” (because nobody today thinks that’s cool, most people just think its weird and very creepy)
- “nice” as a means to an end
Being a good person is a start, but it is by no way the end and it doesn’t entitle you to anything. Be interesting, be clean, work on yourself. That’s how you’ll be successful in every aspect of life.