Journey of acceptance

I wake up everyday not wanting to get out of my bed because it is the same day all over again and I do not even have a plan on how i can change that. I want to be happy, I want to live everyday, I want to make a difference.

The problem with me is I think i have patience but whereas i want things in my life to change with a blink of an eye. I made a decision to quit my job 2 years ago so i can make a difference by joining the elite civil services. Who told me the journey to achieve it would be this tough. After failing to clear the exam last year i thought it is okay I shall try again. Only to realise that this time things wont be my way, it will just get worse as time goes by.

Some how my motivation was gone. I got lazy and felt clueless. Whatever i was doing felt had no meaning. I was not feeling happy any more. I was scared that i would not be able to clear my exam again. But did i study hard? NO, instead all i did most of the time was fantasize about random guys( long distance since 2 years with my boyfriend, we were together for 7 years). I had gone into a depression phase where I didn't want to do anything, did not want to search for answers but wanted everything in my life to make sense. I started feeling guilty about hiding my dad’s affair from my mom. I felt bad thinking maybe my dad has not changed. It was like all the bad things that had ever happened to me where circling around me and wont let me be happy.

The only thing that kept me going was that I had my love of my life with me, I thought i had him with me no matter what. Only to realise that one day he would leave me too without giving me a reason. Not in my wildest dreams i thought i would be dumped like this, with no answer, with no closure. That was my breaking point. After that day everyday was gloomy. I drank a lot. Felt a bit okay for a while. Motivated myself, but could never get my self to study again. I thought maybe i need to be with some other guy and went on tinder. Found someone, having a fling right now, just to realise i need more than a fling. Actually no, i don't want to be in a relationship. All i want to be now is happy.

Although having a fling did take my mind off my ex. I don't want a relationship with this fling person but i still feel empty. I have accepted it a bit. That it is done. I have to move on and i feel i am half way there. I started studying again. If i do not clear my exam again i will just get a job. Try again still. I am half way there to accept myself. I am half way there to accept that life is not going to be easy. I half way there to accept that yes it has been a bad year but only i can change my life. I am half way there..