My experiments with tinder — part 2

If you have read the part 1 of this I had deleted the app and decided never to go on it again but the fickle and unfocused mind that I have led me back to it. Mostly because this way of getting over my break up seemed the best one. Also because I was not getting any guy through vocational methods( actually was too lazy to try). So I went back on tinder. swiped right on only 2 guys and started talking to them.

The first guy however didn't seem someone who would understand the meaning of space. He started pinging me continuously and I just didn't find anything in common with him to talk about. But I chatted through the tinder chat and later because he was sweet and nice I ended up giving him my number just to realise I can never meet this guy.

The second guy I had swiped on pinged me just when I thought I didn't want to be on tinder again. So I thought whatever and started to chat with him. Now this guy seemed very interesting. We text all night flirting back and fro mostly cause i was a bit drunk. This guy however was a perfect guy for a fling. He was not looking for anything serious and he was one of those guy who hooks up a lot, brags about it, knows how to flirt, good in bed, party a lot ( work harder ), is not interested in knowing much about you, needs to be impressed too, overall high maintenance haha!! Basically he was not the kind of a guy i would fall in love with. So, I thought I am going to have a fling with this guy.

After chatting whole night the next day I was going out of town for 2 weeks. Now the first day I was out I was hoping for this guy not to text me because this was a fling why would he text but he did text and i thought fine if he texts then even i will, i just didnt want to get attached. Even though we text 2–3 times a day i could feel a connection.

Now I am a kind of a person who builds castles in the air and all those 2 weeks I fantasized about him ( I was scared too about meeting him). Knowing that he would not fall in love with me and vice-versa.

The D day, we meet, He seemed nice and attractive. Because of my first tinder date I decided I would not sleep with this guy on first date but remember how I don't have my priorities lined up. He comes to drop me till my car and we start making out, it gets intense and it was exactly the way I wanted to feel. The way he made me feel was what i had missed for 2 years, the reason i was on tinder. I could not let go of it and we went all the way. This time i had no regrets.

Sadly even this guy is going to be leaving the city in a month. But I actually want him to leave as soon as possible cause how much ever i love having sex with this guy there is this feeling of emptiness that comes after every meet we have. I feel the need of an emotional attachment ( I know flings don't come with it). I do not expect anything from this guy other than sex, that is all i want from him. But I miss being in a relationship. I am just not someone who could be happy with hooking up, i need love too. So, i want this guy to leave so that I can find someone who is interested in a relationship. Although I don't think I can fall in love again but hey that could be the break up talking.

Even though I don't want to have a relationship with this guy I think about him a lot. Feel a bit jealous thinking he would be swiping on girls on tinder. But I just know he is not the one for me. I am afraid of scaring him away, I don't know what it is that i am not fully myself when i am with him. There is pain/scar that even after being so nice and understanding when a guy I known for 7 years could leave me in a jiff why would someone else stay. I know I am just over thinking but I thought I was this cool girl that boys would like but maybe I am not that cool or whatever I think i am. Even so i would not change myself. Because i believe i have a wonderful personality that make me feel beautiful inside and out, If a guy can not see that then they are not the one for me. I just hope I do not get attached to this guy. Any tips are welcomed :)

PS: I deleted tinder again. This time I really don't want to go back.

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