A True Patriot

I used to think being a true American meant subscribing to hyper-partisan publications that either reinforced my beliefs or viciously attack them. However, to be a true patriot is to understand the polarizing sides of the political spectrum. In order to achieve a healthy balance, I’ve begun to support both extremes equally. For every dollar I donate to NPR, I send Rush Limbaugh an extra strength Tylenol (I’ve never had access to the good stuff and probably won’t now with the increase in deportations). For every Rachel Maddow retweet, I mail a hand written note to Alex Jones that simple states “You are someone”. I refer to all Trump supporters as Nazis and any opposition to the current administration as snowflakes. I privately yearn for the good old days while publicly acknowledging the good old days weren’t so great for everyone. At all times I carry pocket versions of The Constitution, The King James Bible, The Koran, The Art of the Deal, Manufacturing Consent, and Chicken Soup for the Soul; which necessitated the purchase of several pairs of cargo pants. The only music I listen to is the rap country collaboration song “Over and Over” by Tim McGraw and Nelly. I watch Tomi Lahren videos in between commercial breaks of Samantha Bee. I’ve cut my dependence on fossil fuel and only warm my house with solar power and a stove that runs on the burning of effigies of Obama and Trump. During conversations at parties, I use the words clean and coal side by side, careful to create an imaginary footnote in my head that reads oxymoron (not a reference to Rush Limbaugh). In the wake of terrorist attacks in foreign lands, I adamantly stand with France, England, Belgium, Germany, Sweden AND also non-European countries. I’ve changed my profile picture so many times, I now only use a rainbow overlay to depict all possible flag colors, but I am careful not to enter the arena on any bathroom bill discussions. I call for all welfare and Pell Grant recipients to be drug tested equally and preferably on the same day. I champion state’s rights but have conflicting opinions when it comes to stop and frisk and handgun bans as a means to stop violence. I tell my coworkers that marijuana is a gateway drug with serious tax benefits. I only look at the titles of articles and immediately go the comments section. All the stuff in between is just a distraction meant to dissuade the “woke” public. I rapidly become dismissive of all media. Everything is propaganda. I share a meme that kids should go out and play more, from my iPhone as I sit on my couch, during a beautiful day. I make sure to chastise millennials for staying on their parent’s health insurance, and then remember to make an appointment with the dermatologist to check a questionable mole on my back. I start a thread on reddit questioning if taco salad is cultural appropriation, and then get ready for bed. I put on a comfortable t-shirt with a slogan that reads “lives matter?” followed by my Polo pajama pants my grandma bought me for Christmas. I turn on my white noise machine which is a just YouTube video of Mike Huckabee telling the same Obama joke for 10 hours and get ready to do it all over again.