the first love triangle at the age of 15

i am a girl.

i have a best friend.

and i never realized, that as we got older, things were going to change, like this:

she told me she likes this guy, which is all very well and cool and i’m proud of her.

really. i am. don’t get me wrong.

but i like him too. i liked him first, in fact.

and you’re laughing, aren’t you, because you’ve been through this in some way or the other and you’re laughing now because it just seems so funny, though, looking back.

and i’m going to laugh about this when i grow up, in twenty years when we’re still friends and this seems petty, but the truth is, when our problems are right there in front of us, they’re very real and very tangible and very overwhelming.

and i am going to look back at my younger self and shake my head and say, “you should’ve let this go,” and i will. just as soon as i get this out of my system.

because we all say, “he’s just a boy. you’ll get over him.” and yes, i will. eventually. but at this very moment, he’s more than that. he’s life and soul and the air i breathe and also someone else’s and maybe i’m chasing a dream that will never come to life, but who cares?

does it matter if we both like him?

right now, yes, it does.

it matters so much.

and we tend to despise young love, to look down on it, but only because we can’t replicate it. we burn ourselves out with time and we become hard and cynical about the world and we never see anything with the eyes of innocence and youth and we build up so many barriers that we forget to love and how to love and how it feels to love.

and one day, i’ll be one of you and i’ll look down on myself and i’ll smile a little before my heart goes a little harder, but right now, i’m confused and young with hearts in my eyes and logic thrown to the wind.

one day, i’ll look back at this and i’ll get it. just. you know. not now.