Putting More Myself Into_Do___

I don’t get a lot of projects done. Well, not as many as I want.

A lot of has to do with time: I’m a full-time college student working towards a literary — not literature — degree that may or may not get me into a job in the publishing industry because of either my age or general lack of experience. I’m not the only college student — or even only person — to have this problem or these worries, but between homework, student loans, and general existential anxiety every other day, I pretty much have a limited number of spoons I can use for the day, let alone the month, week, year.

Time is not the only reason for getting projects done, but it is a pretty big one, and do you know what I tend to do with a lot of that time and energy? Why a lot of my projects have been on the backburner and why I’ve been working on my first novel for like eight years instead yknow, working on other novels?

Spend it on self-doubt.

Lots and lots of self-doubting is done with my work.

In general, I don’t think it’s a bad thing so doubt oneself. You can learn to make less mistakes that way, and second-guessing yourself means your more likely to give things a second look. But when it develops from a slight speed-bump meant to keep you safe and cautious on the rocky roads life into a down-right roadblock halting any hope of your own progression…it becomes less of a tool to navigate life and more of a hindrance to get around.

I self-doubted myself when starting my Twitter! I had no idea what I was doing, because even though I’d used Twitter before, I’d never presented both a professional and person version of myself online, and putting myself out there made me feel like bit of a poser. What if people found out I wasn’t a real writer? I’m not even out of college, yet! I have nothing professionally published, I’m such a sham! Why am I even trying? I’ll never be…

Not to brag, but I started back in February, and now I’m just over 500 followers on Twitter. Not to shabby for a fake, right?

Same goes for my website…or at least what I want to be my website it costs like $40 and I’d love to own it please donate like $1 to my Paypa — -

Anyway, when I first got my website — and I say this with all the love in my heart — it was a certifiable mess. I had no idea how to format or code, and most of the work and/or blog was …just…alright. Just alright. Technically fine, but that was all it could stand for. I wasn’t being myself enough, and my work always suffers when I don’t put enough of my real emotions into it.

Fantasy stories need authenticity to create magic, after all. I hope to make more of it in the coming years, but I have to put more of myself into it.

This will be hard. I’m still in college til 2018 (I pray & hope). I have lots of projects I want to do and a novel I want to finally finish and self-publish before the end of next year. I want to make a headstart in my career, or at least find a good job somewhere so I can support myself as I work my way up to it.

But still — there’s that lack of time and energy. But still — there’s that self-doubt. Those aren’t going to go anywhere anytime soon, and I’m not totally sure how to deal with them alone. Maybe I shouldn’t deal with alone?

I don’t know. I’m never sure what I’m doing. But I think that’s the point; I think that’s OK.

Or maybe I’m just excusing. We’ll see.

Here it goes. Watch me do.

I’m so tired and scared and such a poser.

Watch me do.



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