Diary Entry 5

Sometimes I remember what it was like when I was with him, to remind myself that I did once feel love. It was around this time four years ago. Quiet, shy, soft-spoken, and completely oblivious to all the initial signs, I went along. We did the whole song and dance. Yes, the “chase” and corresponding “fall” was unbelievably good. Our relationship quickly turned serious over the matter of only a month. I would sit in the passenger seat of his car and tell him everything, and I mean everything. He knew about the issues I have with my biological father, that I battle with depression, and that I have incredibly high expectations for myself and others. Forward an entire year and we decide to break up. He left for Cornell and I was still bound to the ills of high school. It hurt and man did we fight through the whole thing. I resented him for going to college all the way in upstate New York and he was pissed at me for not considering applying there. We knew our emotional distance was beginning to parallel our physical distance in space. I didn’t even think it was humanly possible to feel as low as I did. In some respects, I’ll probably always be a little broken and I’m completely okay with that. I like being along but sometimes the absence of a significant other is too much to reconcile. What if my person just isn’t out there? I reject the fantasy that we all have “a person”. Why do we as humans feel somewhere in the world another person must belong to us? The concept of the relationship as a unit is confusing to me. Anyway, from all the offers I’ve been extended, I just haven’t connected with anyone. All that being said, the comfort and security of being alone excites me. Some people just aren’t cut out for relationships yo. Catch me in the “dinner for one” aisle of the frozen food section at Target. As far as I know, I’m happiest there. Besides, people genuinely grow apart as well. Remeber Cornell guy? Yeah, racist as fuck.

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