How to Break A Habit

As a therapist, I’ve helped clients change hundreds of different kinds of habits. Big ones. Little ones. Public ones. Very, very, private ones. Life altering ones. It can be very challenging, and take a lot of work, but yes — change is possible. Plus, we’ve got research on our side. Here are some tips that evidence-backed therapies, such as Motivational Enhancement, Solution-Focused, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy, have proven to help create lasting behavior change:

1. Decide to make a change. It’s not enough to know you should quit a habit, or have others tell you to change your ways. You actually have to make a decision that your life will be better without this habit. You don’t even need to decide to change a habit right now, but deciding that a change needs to take place is the first step. Sometimes it can be helpful to circle a target date on your calendar to mentally prepare for making a change.
2. Don’t just NOT DO something, but DO something else instead. It is much more sustainable to change a habit by using replacement behaviors than simply trying to white-knuckle it through. Trying to cut out that extra glass at wine at night? Take a warm bath instead. Feeling bad about snapping at your partner once again? Try gently asking for what you want in a calm moment instead. Trying to stop worrying about things that are outside your control? Replace those thoughts with more positive hopes for the future. For whatever bad habit are trying to change, look for a better habit to replace it.
3. Start small and simple. Making a change accumulates over time. That is what makes a habit. So if it feels overwhelming to quit that whole pot of coffee per day, maybe just start by switching to half-caff, some of the time. Feeling flabby and overwhelmed by the thought of a new exercise routine? That’s OK. Start small and slow by first making the time in your schedule for gentle exercise. Just as muscles grow, so will your tolerance for habit change.
4. Make lots and lots of mistakes. If you’re going to change a longstanding habit, then you’re going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. Go ahead and make them. Make mistakes and learn from each and every one. Mistakes offer helpful information about what makes us tick and what works best for you. So you tried cold turkey and it didn’t work? Try something else. Tried to cut back little by little and that didn’t work? Try again. And again. And again. Each try is more time spent doing something besides that stubborn old habit, and that’s all to the good.
5. Tell people about your new goal. Let them know how important making this change is to you and ask for their support. Telling people about our goals has a surprising way of keeping us accountable. We’ve put it out there and we know that our loved ones will be asking about our progress, which gives us supportive pressure to keep making progress.
6. Learn from past successes. Think back to times when you were most successful at quitting or reducing your habit. Look for clues as to why this was and channel these past successes strategically. Who was supporting you to make this change? How was your schedule organized? What resources did you take advantage of? If you’ve done it before, you know you can do it again.
7. Connect with your deeper reasons why this is an important change. Are you struggling to sustain a change? Remind yourself on a daily basis of what breaking this habit means to you. Does it mean that you will be healthier and live a more satisfying life? Will it save money and make you more financially sound? Would breaking this habit be an expression of your core values? How would you feel about yourself to accomplish this goal? Think about your deeper motivations, write them down, and remind yourself often.
8. Reward yourself when you make a change. First and foremost, give yourself credit. It is really hard to change longstanding habits. Sometimes progress will come in large bursts, while other times change may be more gradual. Reinforce your progress in the right direction by taking time to celebrate. Trying to cut down on screen time? Reward yourself with a brand new book? Proud of your progress at the gym? Go ahead and do a little humblebrag on Facebook. Sometimes it will feel like one step forward and two steps back, but the more you recognize and reward yourself for those steps forward, the more likely you are to maintain that momentum.
9. If you are still struggling, here are some extra tips for how to do it anyways when you are just not feeling it.

Change can be hard. Let’s make it a little easier. You can do this.

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Anna Lindberg Cedar, MPA, LCSW #64284 is a Bay Area psychotherapist who specializes in burnout prevention. She is an expert practitioner of Dialectical Behavior Therapy — a counseling style that combines Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and other change-based skills with mindfulness and other acceptance-based strategies. Find out more: www.annacedar.com .

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