Notes on “The Subtle art of not giving a f*ck” by Mark Manson
Before I start, here’s a good reason to write it down. As per my experience what I have observed is that you can take advantage of book by making notes on side while reading cuz… after a while this human brain is going to forget. In order to better assimilate a book I start writing down the important points chapter by chapter.
Chapter 1 : Don’t Try
- “ I have one of two choices, stay in the post office and go crazy … or stay out here and play at writer and starve. I have decided to starve ” — Charles Bukowski
- Self-improvement and success often occur together but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the same thing
- Saying in Texas: “ The smallest dog barks the loudest ”
The Feedback Loop from Hell
- We feel bad about feeling bad. We feel guilty for feeling guilty. We get angry about getting angry. We get anxious about feeling anxious. What’s wrong with me ?
- The desire for more +ve experience is itself a -ve experience. And practically, the acceptance of one’s -ve experience is itself a +ve experience
- The avoidance of suffering is itself is a form of suffering. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck
- You can’t be important and life changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others
- Whether you realize or not, you are always choosing what to give a f*ck about
Chapter 2: Happiness Is a Problem
- One of the realizations by Buddha was that life is itself a form of suffering. Therefore, the pain and loss are inevitable and we should let go of trying to resist them
- Happiness is not a solvable equation. Dissatisfaction and unease are inherent part of human nature
The Misadventures of Disappointment Panda
- The greatest truths in life are usually the most unpleasant to hear
- Physical pain is product of our nervous system, a feedback mechanism which duly punishes us to make sure that we pay attention and never do it again
- Life is essentially an endless series of problems, the solution of one problem is merely the creation of the next one
- Don’t hope for a life without problems. There’s no such thing. Instead hope for a life full of good problems
Happiness Comes from Solving Problem
- Problem never stops; they merely get exchanged and/or upgraded
- Happiness is therefore a form of action; it’s an activity not something passively attained
- People f*ck things in at least 2 ways: denial and victim mentality. Denying problems existence feels good in short-term but back fires badly. Whereas, victims blame other for their problems but it has some drawbacks as first point
Emotions Are Overrated
- Emotions are simply biological signals designed to nudge you in the direction of beneficial change
- Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s good. Just because something feels bad doesn’t means it’s bad. Therefore, we shouldn’t always trust your emotions rather we should question them
- Hedonic Treadmill: The idea that we’re always working hard to change our life situation, but we actually never feel very different
Choose Your Struggle
- Happiness requires struggles. It grows from problems. You can’t win if you don’t play
- Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for. People who enjoy the struggles of a gym are the ones who run triathlons and have good physique
- It’s a never ending upward spiral. If at any point you think you’re allowed to stop climbing then you’re missing the point because the joy is in the climb itself
Chapter 3: You Are Not Special
- A true and accurate measurement of one’s self-worth is how people fell about the -ve aspects of themselves
- Entitlement is impervious. People who are entitled delude themselves into whatever feeds their sense of superiority
Things Fall Apart
- The deeper the pain, the more helpless we feel against our problems and the more entitlement we adopt to compensate for those problems
- The entitlement plays out in 2 ways:
2.a I’m awesome and the rest of you all so I deserve special treatment
2.b I suck and the rest of you’re all awesome, so I deserve special treatment
The Tyranny of Exceptionalism
- Technology has solved old economics problems by giving us new psychological problems
- The internet has not just open source information; it has also open-sourced insanity, self-doubt and shame
- Take a moment and think of something that’s really bugging you. Now ask yourself why it bugs you, chances are the answer will involve a failure of some sort. Then take that failure and ask why it seems “true” to you. What if that failure wasn’t really a failure! What if you’ve been looking at it in the wrong way?
B-b-b-but, If I’m Not Going to Be Special or Extraordinary, What’s the Point?
- Being “average” has become the new standard of failure
- Lot of people accept mediocrity because they believe that if they accept it, they’ll never achieve anything, never improve and that then life won’t matter
- People who become great at something become great because they understand that they’re not already great, they are mediocre,they are average and they could be so much better
Chapter 4: The Value of Suffering
The Self-Awareness Onion
- Self awareness is like an onion. They’re multiple layers to it and more you peel them back, the more likely you’re going to start crying at inappropriate time
- Honest self-questioning is difficult. It requires asking yourself simple question that are uncomfortable to answer. In fact, in my experience the more uncomfortable the answer, the more it is to be truth — — -
Rock Star Problems
- We’re apes, We think we’re all sophisticated with our toaster ovens and designer footwear, but we’re just a bunch of finely ornamented apes
- If you want to change how you see your problem, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success
Shitty Values
- Pleasure is false god. It is most superficial form of life satisfaction and therefore the easier to obtain and the easier to lose
- Pleasure is not the cause of happiness therefore rather it is the effect. If you get other things right, them pleasure will naturally occur as a big product
- It’s far more helpful to assume that you’re ignorant and don’t know a whole lot. This keeps you unattached to superstitions or poorly informed beliefs and promotes a constant state of learning and growth
- Denying -ve emotions leads to experiencing deeper and more prolonged -ve emotions and to emotional dysfunction
Defining Good and Bad Values
- In a nutshell, what “self-improvement” is really about prioritizing better values, choosing better things to give a f*ck about because when you give better f*cks, you get better problems and when you get better problems, you get a better life
Chapter 5: You Are Always Choosing
- Often the only difference b/w a problem being painful or being powerful is a sense that we chose it, and that we are responsible for it
- When we feel that we’re choosing our problems, we feel empowered. When we feel that our problems are being forced upon us against our will, we feel victimized and miserable
The Choice
- We don’t always control what happens to us but we always control how we interpret what happens to us, as well as how we respond
- There is no such thing as not giving a single f*ck. It’s impossible. We must all give a f*ck about something. To not give a f*ck about anything us still to give a f*ck about something
The Responsibility/Fault Fallacy
- The more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus first step to solving them
- We are responsible for experience that aren’t our fault all the time. This is part of life
- Here’s one way to distinguish b/w Fault and Responsibility.
Fault is a past tense. Responsibility is a present tense.
Fault results from choices that have already been made. Responsibility results from the choices you’re currently making every second of everyday
Responding to Tragedy
- Pain of one sort or another is inevitable for all of us, but we get to choose what it means to and for us
Genetics and the Hand We’re Dealt
- In life, we all get dealt cards. Some of us got better cards than other and while it’s easy to get hung up on our cards, and feel we got screwed over, the real game lies in the choices we make with those cards. The risks we take and the consequences we choose to live with
- Some people get saddled with worse problems than others and some people are legitimately victimized in horrible ways. But as much as this may upset us or disturb us, it ultimately changes nothing about the responsibility equation of our individual situation
Victimhood Clinic
- The responsibility/fault fallacy allows people to pass off the responsibility for solving their problems to others. This ability to alleviate responsibility through blame gives people a temporary high and a feeling of moral righteousness
- “Outrage is like a lot of other things that feel good but over time devour us from the inside out. And it’s even more insidious than most vices because we don’t even consciously acknowledge that it’s a pleasure” — Tim Kreider
Chapter 6: You’re Wrong About Everything (But So Am I)
- “Well, I’m always wrong about everything, over and over again, and that’s why my life improves” — Michael Jordan — —
- Growth is an endlessly iterative process. When we learn something new, we don’t go from wrong to right. Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong. We are always in the process of approaching truth and perfection without actually reaching truth or perfection
- Certainty is the enemy of growth. Nothing is for certain itself until it has already happened and even then, it’s still debatable. That’s why accepting inevitable imperfections of our value is necessary for any growth to take place
- Instead of looking to be right all the time we should be looking for how we’re wrong all the time. Because we are. Being wrong opens up to the possibility of change and opportunity for growth
Architects of Our Own Beliefs
- “I use to think the human brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me” — Emo Philips
Be Careful What You Believe
- Our mind’s biggest priority when processing experiences is to interpret them in a such way that they will cohere with all of your previous experience, feelings and beliefs
The Danger of Pure Certainty
- The more you embrace being uncertain and not knowing, the more comfortable you will feel in knowing what you don’t know
- The old adage goes, the man who believes he/she knows everything learns nothing => The more we admit we don’t know, the more opportunities we gain to learn
Manson’s Law of Avoidance
- “The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it” — Mason’s Law of Avoidance
- We’re unfairly based toward what we already know, what we believe to be certain
- Until we change how we view ourselves, what we believe we are and not, we cannot overcome our avoidance and anxiety. We cannot change
Kill Yourself
- When we let go of the stories we tell ourselves, to ourselves, we free ourselves up to actually to grow
How to Be a Little Less Certain of Yourself
Ques 1. What if I’m wrong?
Ans. “Am I jealous and if I am, then why?” “Am I angry?” “Is she right and I’m just protecting my ego?” => The simple act of asking ourselves such question generates the humility and compassion needed to reserve a lot of our issues
Ques 2. What would it mean if I were wrong?
Ans. Being able to look at and evaluate different values without necessary adapting them is perhaps the central skill required in changing one’s own life in a meaningful way
Ques 3. What being wrong create a better or a worse problem than my current problem, for both myself and others?
Ans. The goal here is to look at which problem is better because after all life’s problems are endless. If it feels like, It’s you is the world — -
Chapter 7: Failure Is The Way Forward
- You could make plenty of money and be miserable just a you could be broke and be pretty happier. Then why use money as a means to measure self-worth?
The Failure/Success Paradox
- Improvement at anything is based on thousand tiny failures, and the magnitude of your success is based on how many time you’ve failed at something
- Being afraid of failure combines and stifles us. We can be truly successful at something if we’re willing to fail at. If we’re unwilling to fail, Then we’re unwilling to succeed
- The reason for Picasso’s success is exactly the same reason why as an old man, he was happy to scribble drawings on napkin alone in café. His underlying value was simple and humble and it was endless. It was the value “honest expression” and this is what made the napkin so valuable
Pain Is Part of the Process
- For many of us our proudest achievements come in the face of the greatest adversity. Our pain is often make us stronger, more resilient, more grounded
- To deny the pain is to deny your own potential
- Learn to sustain the pain you’ve chosen. When you choose a new value, you’re choosing to introduce a new form of pain into your life. Relish it. Savor it. Welcome it with open arms. Then act despite it
The “Do Something” Principle
- If you’re stuck on a problem, don’t sit there and think about it; just start working on it. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing, the simple act of working on it will eventually cause the right ideas to show up in your head
- Emotional Intelligence -> Motivation -> Desirable action [ All are inter-related, one leads to other]
- If we follow the “Do something” principle failure feels unimportant. When the — — of success becomes merely — — when any result is regarded as progress and important, when inspiration is seen as required rather than a prerequisite. We propel ourselves ahead. We feel free to fail and that failure moves us forward
- You can become your own inspiration, motivation. Action is always within reach and with simply doing something as your only metric for success. Well, then even failure pushes you forward — — -
Chapter 8: The Importance of Saying No
- Freedom grants the opportunity for greater meaning, but by itself there is nothing necessarily meaningful about it. Ultimately, the only way to achieve anything , meaning and sense of importance in one’s life is through a rejection of alternatives, a narrowing of freedom, a choice of commitment to one place, one belief or one person
- Travel is fantastic self-development tool because it extricates you from the value of your culture and shows you that another society can live with entirely different values and still functions
Rejection Makes Your Life Better [add your story as well]
- Avoiding rejection give us short-term pleasure by making us rudderless and directionless in the long term
- The rejection is an inherent and necessary part of maintaining our values and therefore our identity. We are defined by what we choose to reject and if we reject nothing, we essentially have no identity at all
Boundaries
- There are healthy and unhealthy from of love.
In unhealthy love, both of them trying to escape the problem with emotion. In healthy love both of them acknowledge and address their problem with each other’s support
How to Build Trust
- Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflicts shows us who is there for us unconditionally and who is just there for the benefits. No one trust a yes person
- Trust is the most important ingredient in any relationship without trust, relationship can no longer function
Freedom Through Commitment
- The more options we’re given, the less satisfied we become with whatever we choose, because we’re aware of all the other options we’re potentially forfeiting
- Commitment gives you freedom because you’re no longer distracted by the unimportant and frivolous
Chapter 9: … And Then You Die
- Death is the light by which the shadow of all of life’s meaning is measured. Without death, everything would feel inconsequential, all experience arbitrary, all metrics and values suddenly zeros
Something Beyond Our Selves
- Becker’s second point starts with the premise that we essentially have two “selves”.
The first self is the physical self — the one that eats, sleep, snores and poops.
The second self is our conceptual self-our identity, how we see ourselves
The Sunny Side of Death
- Our culture today confuses great attention and great success, assuming them to be the same thing. But they’re not.
- “We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! that alone make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We’re terrorized and flattered by life’s trivialities; we’re eaten up by nothing” — Bukowski
— I highly recommend on reading this book, It has changed my life perspective. There’s no fun of reading these points, if you don’t read the book—
If you find any point useful that motivates you or haven’t been mentioned, please feel free to comment! Thank You
