There have been many things that have been going through my head within the last couple of months, that have really been stemming from many things that happened last year. I apologize in advance because this might become a long blog post.
To start I think there are a few problems that I need to address, starting with the death of my grandfather. Again I am sorry that this is over a post but not in person, but I needed to do more soul searching before I confronted anyone about these feeling. And for you guys to know i’m not sad right now, nor am I intoxicated while writing this, i’m in a position where I am more in closure about these events.
When my grandfather got sick this summer for the first time we thought it was in very direr circumstances, and when we were going up into Montana we did not have the expectation that he was going to last very long. So we were very happy to be told, when we got in Nevada, that he had a chance to live much longer than what was originally thought. I felt very confident coming back to Colorado that my family and I would be able to see him at least one more time before he passed. This was not the case, because within a few weeks of me returning his kidneys failed. They did not know that was going to happen because the test that they had done was wrong. They grabbed the wrong type of tissue and assumed that it was not cancer. Along with this they did a more complete exam at my mother’s firm request and they found that he had many other problems, like a broken disk in his back. We got the call and we needed to go to Nevada to say goodbye. This caught me off guard because when I left he was in much better health. On our way up he was close to passing and out mother wanted us to talk to him one last time. We each took turns talking to him on the phone then we said our goodbyes. We made it to Grand junction when he passed.
Why mention this? There are three main things that have really been bugging me. First is the feeling that I got to see my grandfather before he died, but my sisters, brother, and father had not. This is more of a feeling of… pity? Maybe because they did not get the same chance that I had. I feel like it was unfair to them, not because it was my fault, but as if universally a problem, like god made this a challenge for them to get over but spared it for me. But I feel bad that I also did not have to overcome this with them. Now I do not regret that I saw my grandfather in his final days, but I feel bad that they couldn’t and I have a fear that they resent this situation, That they hate that I saw him in the final days and they could not. This isn’t the idea that they dislike me any more or any less but that they also hate this situation and they put a small peace of the blame on me.
The second main problem that I had with this situation is the fact that I left my Mother and Aunt when all of the problems started to go down. That I left them to deal with his death on their own. The exact moment he passed I could have been there to help them. I am more emotional stable than everyone in my family and so I tend to comfort then grieve in private. I feel bad because in the hardest part of their lives I was not there to help them. Now this is not to say that as soon as we got there I didn’t help them, but That instant I could not help them, and it sucks.
The final problem is that I did not really been processing my emotions of that whole situation until I got back here. The problem with that is when I got back here I almost immediately went back to school and didn’t have the physical time to grieve. Throughout the semester I have found that there are many points where I have reflected on the events that happened started this process. Another thing that I found is that I did not properly grieve over the death of my Grandmother, who passed away the tail end of our senior year of high school. It really had hit me all at once that these people who had greatly influenced the man I am to day are gone. I have at this point in my life come to better terms with this, however there are some things that are still tender in a way. I look in myself and reflect on what they meant to me and how much we all cared for each other, and I would never have it any other way. We I think of them I picture the hats that I got for them, one was the Boston hat that I got my grandmother, that she never got to wear. The other is a Bronco hat I got my Grandfather, that ironically he also did not get a chance to wear. When I see these items I think of the legacy that they left behind and feel reassured.
The reason I have been thinking about this is because my Mother and Aunt went to a psychic who said a lot to them. Now normally I do not believe in psychics in the sense that they can call on their powers when ever they would like. But this woman said that my grandfather told her that I was still sad about this entire situation and that I should not blame myself. She said that he was in a better place and was reunited with my grandmother, not Nancy. (Fuck Nancy) Even though I did not really believe that she talked to him, I do believe that is something that he would say and hearing someone else say it to me really gave me some closure.
Now on to the much lighter matters, sorry for bringing the heavy first. I have had a lot of time to think about my life as well these past couple of months. I find that I have become increasingly driven to complete my goals. The example I have is my broken leg. When I broke it a lot of people felt really bad for me. The problem is I did not, I felt it was just how life progressed. This was just another obstacle in my life that I would have to get over. I still went to class even though it would have been easy to take the semester off like someone people I know have, but I felt like this would slow my goals down and I did not want that to happen. Instead I got a scooter to go to class, and when that broke I started to walk to class. I don’t feel bad about this and i’m not trying to draw pity on myself, but I do see a shift in my mentality since high school.
Another thing I’ve noticed since breaking my leg is that people are lazy, and very unkind. I see people going up the elevator simply because they do not want to go up one or two flights of stairs. This is odd for me because I have never done that. If I feel tired of fatigued when trying to go up stairs I just suck it up. People are also very unkind. There have been times where I couldn’t open a door, and a few times instead of helping me or keeping silent, some people would snicker about it. Like who thinks that this is acceptable? Now granted there have been many people to help me even when I didn’t need it, but I guess I didn’t think anyone was that shitty.
The final thing I have been thinking about more self exploration. I have been getting out and going to parties. (A lot of them have been all black parties where I was the only white guy. They were a lot more fun than I thought they were going to be.) I have had tons of fun. I have been asked to smoke and do a lot of drugs, but I have said no to these. I think i’m at the point where I am more comfortable here in Fort Collins that I am able to hang out with people I barley know and still have a good time. I also met a girl who has been really cool, and i’m seeing how our relationship progresses before I ask her out. Overall I feel like i’m in a good place in my life.