The Informer’s 2016 NFL Picks: Week 3

Here are The Informer’s Week 3 NFL Picks. As always, I hope you enjoy.

HOUSTON TEXANS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (+1)

Here is my proof of pic tweet:

Pick: Pats (+1) & 1ST Half (u20.5)

DENVER BRONCOS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-3.5)

Did you know that Trevor Siemian is the greatest quarterback named Trevor Siemian to ever play in the National Football League? It is true, I looked it up on the internet and everything. Now believe it or not, but one of the many gambling rules I live my life by happens to be “you never bet against the greatest quarterback named Trevor Siemian to ever play in the NFL”. So needless to say, I will happily be grabbing the 3.5 points and backing Trevor “The Gunslinger” Siemian on Sunday.

Pick: Donkeys (+3.5)

OAKLAND RAIDERS @ TENNESSEE TITANS (-1.5)

Words I would use to describe anyone who actually bets on a favored Tennessee Titans team that has won six of their last 34 NFL games: Moron, dip-shit, dumbass, knuckle-nuts, SAWFT, dicknose, geek, cake eater, dingus, f*** ass, nincompoop, stupid idiot, water head, booger eater, Douche Bigalow, ass clown, skank, dork, butt munch, airhead, buffoon, mouth breather, ignoramus, window licker, jackass, drunken imbecile, weaksauce and last but not least –The Informer.

Pick: Titans (-1.5)

BALTIMORE RAVENS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (PK)

When in doubt, take the team with the better head coach.

Pick: Ravens (PK)

ARIZONA CARDINALS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+4)

Currently 85% of the world is betting against the Buffalo Bills. Why are 85% of the people in the world betting against the Bills you ask? Because at this point Buffalo should not be less than a touchdown underdog to The Little Giants, let alone an actual NFL team. Now with that said; if there is one thing I have learned in my life, it is that when 85% of the people are making the smart bet, Vegas will step in and have the NFL rig the game so that they can continue to build skyscrapers while the idiots like me who fall for the sucker bet every week, have to continue buying Natty Lights with stolen change from their kids piggy banks.

Anyways, I would say good luck betting the Cards on Sunday, but when something is as scripted as the NFL, you don’t need luck. You just need the common sense (I don’t have it) to take the four points and bet on the Rex Ryan led dumpster fires over the Bruce Arians coached Super Bowl contender.

Pick: Cardinals (-4)

WASHINGTON @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-4.5)

I will be taking Washington and the over 2.5 on number of times Josh Norman uses his head to try and spear Odell Beckham Jr.

Pick: Skins (+4.5)

CLEVELAND BROWNS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (-9.5)

Things I would rather do than watch this abortion: Take a boner pill while also taking nitrates for chest pains. Not call a doctor if my boner last longer than four hours. Keep taking boner pills even if I have sudden loss of vision in one or both eyes. Use a boner pill even if I am not healthy enough for sex. Take a boner pill without consulting my physician. Ignore seeking medical attention even if I am experiencing chest pains, dizziness, or nausea during sex with a boner pill. And finally, I would rather watch the 700 boner pill commercials that air during an NFL game with my children, because explaining to my elementary aged kids the seriousness of boner dysfunction is not nearly as bad as having to watch the Cleveland Browns play football.

Pick: Browns (+9.5)

DETROIT LIONS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-7.5)

If Aaron Rodgers lays another egg against a mediocre NFC North team this weekend I am officially going to change his name to “Drunk Jay Cutler”. He has been warned.

Pick: Packers (-7.5)

MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7)

5 reasons to bet against the Minnesota Vikings in Week 3:

  1. They just beat their arch rivals in Primetime and now have to travel on a short week to play at Carolina (makes this a letdown game).
  2. Less than a week ago their franchise running back was just lost for the season.
  3. Less than a month ago their franchise quarterback was lost for the season.
  4. During the best game Sam Bradford has ever played in the NFL, his team only managed to score 17 points at home.
  5. Luke Kuechly is Batman.

Give me the Panthers in a boat race.

Pick: Panthers (-7)

PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (+3.5)

Remember how I just said the Vikings and Sam Bradford were due for a letdown after their great performances on Sunday Night Football? Well, the same theory applies to Carson Wentz and the Philadelphia Eagles after their great performances on Monday Night Football.

Pick: Steelers (-3.5)

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ SEATTLE HGHAWKS (-9.5)

Here is a tweet expressing my feelings on the Seattle HGHawks:

And here are two tweets expressing how Seattle fans feel about The Informer:

As you can see, me and the HGHawk fans have a love hate relationship.

Pick: HGHawks (-9.5)

LOS ANGELES RAMS @ TAMPA BAY (-5.5)

Don’t you just love the NFL? One weekend the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are losing by 43 points. And the next weekend they are favored by damn near a touchdown over a team that just beat the Seattle Seahawks. Seriously, how in the hell does that make any sense?

Pick: Rams (+5.5)

NEW YORK JETS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-3)

Dear Jets and Chiefs,

I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You’re the scum between my toes!

Love, The Informer.

Pick: Chiefs (-3)

SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-3)

I am pretty sure you could put Phillip Rivers’ eight children at receiver and he would still put up 35 points on the abomination known as the Indianapolis Colts defense.

Pick: Chargers (+3)

CHICAGO BEARS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-7)

Did you know, the 1st half under in Primetime has had 19 straight winning regular season weeks? This means that during the last 19 NFL regular season weeks, if a person just bet every single 1st half under during Primetime, they would have beaten Vegas 19 straight times.

#TheMoreYouKnow

Pick: Cowboys (-7) 1st Half (u22.5)

ATLANTA FALCONS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)

THE 1ST HALF UNDER IN PRIMETIME IS 6–2 ON THE SEASON AND HAS FINISHED ABOVE .500 FOR 19 STRAIGHT NFL WEEKS!!! THE 1ST HALF UNDER IN PRIMETIME IS 6–2 ON THE SEASON AND HAS FINISHED ABOVE .500 FOR 19 STRAIGHT NFL WEEKS!!! THE 1ST HALF UNDER IN PRIMETIME IS 6–2 ON THE SEASON AND HAS FINISHED ABOVE .500 FOR 19 STRAIGHT NFL WEEKS!!!

I really can’t be any more clear.

Pick: Falcons (+3) & 1st Half (u27)

THE INFORMER’S 2016 PICKS RECORD:12–20–1 (Including Thrusday Night)

The 1ST Half Under in Primetime: 6–2 (Including Thursday Night)