How I feel today

I thought I’d fast forward to how I feel today. No doubt the past 5 months will all creep in to each day’s post to fill in the gaps so I think this is how I’ll do it.

Today I met my new niece. Dan’s younger sister had a baby 2 weeks ago so I thought I’d better take a present over and ‘do the right thing.’ When I gave birth last year, I was guilted in to allowing the mother-in-law and sisters in to my hospital room the day after I gave birth. I’d already read up on caesareans (I knew I was having one) and knew that I didn’t want anyone other than my husband and my own Mum seeing me in a massive state. I had high blood pressure, my bowels weren’t working, I contracted sepsis and I also had anaemia. But no, they had to come and visit as I was being unreasonable!!!

Fast forward a year and ‘we want to be by ourselves for at least the first week’ was the story ‘the sister’ gave me. I actually saw a photo of my niece on Facebook. That was how I first saw her. Nice eh? I had to do what they wanted and let the family in but, now their brother, MY HUSBAND, had died, I was just another person on Facebook. Yes, I got the ‘can’t wait to meet you Aunty emma’ message a week or so later but by then, the message was loud and clear. ‘You are not part of our family as Dan is dead.’ It really is true that actions speak louder than words.

I’m glad that I’ve ‘done the right thing’, as I was brought up to do, but I’m just sad for Dan and what has happened to his family. He would love having an even bigger family and for our daughter to have a little cousin. Sadly, I don’t feel the same. I’m sure I will meet up with them every now and then when it’s expected (here I go again with all these expectations of me) but I’ve detached myself emotionally from them and that poor little baby. The way they behaved after Dan died was just too much (more of that later) and I can’t go through it any more. When your counselling focusses entirely on your husband’s family, rather than dealing with his death, it’s time to take action!!