There are no words…

This was the sentence I heard the most in the days following the sudden loss of my husband. People just didn’t know what to say. And why would they?! We’d just buried my Father-in-law the day before so Dan, my husband, couldn’t possibly have been hit by a lorry after the wake?! He had a 10 month old daughter at home who he looked after whilst I worked. That just wouldn’t happen! You couldn’t write this shit!

Well, unfortunately, that is my life now. A life that was consumed with the aftermath of my Father-in-law’s death and the organisation and the desperation for just a bit of normality, suddenly moved to a whole other level. I just wanted to get out of the house, even though I didn’t know where I wanted to go. I didn’t want to go anywhere, I just didn’t want to be in my house, surrounded by Dan’s ‘stuff’ and his Dad’s ‘stuff’. Home didn’t feel like home and I just needed to get the hell out of there! Well, it seems I had to anyway as there was the small case of ‘you need to come and identify the body.’ Oh yay, what fun! I called Dan’s family but no one would do it so I left my little 10 month old baby and went to the hospital. My Mum decided that she would do the initial viewing as, although she didn’t want to do it, she definitely didn’t want me to have to do it. It turned out that poor Dan looked as though nothing had happened to him. It’s hard to imagine that, hours earlier, he’d been hit by a Heavy Goods Vehicle carrying tonnes of mail, throwing him far in to the undergrowth and sending his watch flying many metres away. “You fucking twat!” came straight out of my mouth as I went towards him. I was so angry at this point! How could he have left his daughter like this? He was the one who wanted children! He couldn’t have left her with me, surely? And what about his family? His Mum now had no son. His sisters had just lost their Dad and now they’d lost their brother too?! Unbelievable! Looking back, I completely forgot that I’d lost a husband too. Yep. My entire life, my home life, my work life, absolutely everything got changed that day. I remember saying to the church minister that morning, “I’m a widow!” November 22nd 2016. What a fucking crap day!