I Traveled to the Past to Talk to a Bobcats Fan
Exciting news! My contacts in NASA just reached out to let me know that they have perfected the method of time travel, and decided that I should be one of the first people to test it out. Because this blog is my life and the Charlotte Hornets are due up next, I knew what I had to do.
I traveled back to April 28, 2014, just after the last game in Charlotte Bobcats history, their game four loss to the Miami Heat that completed their sweep in the first round of the playoffs. Despite the swift playoff loss, things were finally looking up for owner Michael Jordan and the most depressing franchise in the league. They had put a together a surprise playoff season, and the transition back to being the Hornets was up next.
Just outside of whatever hellhole the Bobcats were playing in, I talked to a diehard Bobcats fan wearing an Al Jefferson jersey and holding back tears after the greatest moment in the history of his favorite franchise.
Here is a transcript of that conversation:
ME: Hello fellow Bobcats fan! I’ve come from the future to bring you answers about your basketball team. What would you like to know?
2014 BOBCATS FAN: That’s not true, you’re not from the future. Do you want money? I don’t have any cash I just spent like $14 on a hot dog.
ME: No, I am from the future, I promise.
2014 BOBCATS FAN:
He walked away, so I moved on to someone who looked nicer. I found a young woman in a Kemba Walker jersey, so she was clearly much more future-oriented.
ME: Hello, fellow Bobcats fan! I have come from the year 2017 to bring you answers about the future of your basketball team. What would you like to know?
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Oh woah no way! That’s radical. Well…. Do we still have Kemba?
ME: Yes! Kemba continues to improve and becomes a top-tier point guard in the Eastern Conference. He is greatly helped by the addition of your future shooting guard, Nicolas Batum!
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Wow! That’s awesome. What about Big Al?
ME: Big Al Jefferson stays with the team through 2016 before moving on to join the Indiana Pacers.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Aw, he gets to play with Paul George then?
ME: For one year. Then the Pacers trade George for Victoe Oladipo and Domantas Sabonis.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Who are those people?
ME: It isn’t worth explaining.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Oh. Well who is our starting center then?
ME: Dwight Howard.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Wow! More great news.
ME: Oh. Um,
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: What… What’s up?
ME: Oh, it’s just that… I don’t know. I feel bad.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Oh, no, it’s okay, I mean.. Give me the low down, you know, that’s why you’re here.
ME: Ah, alright. Well, having Dwight in 2017 is not exactly a good thing. I mean, you guys moved up in the draft when you traded for him and also dumped your worst contract lol.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Wow, the Rockets traded Dwight to us?
ME: No, the Hawks.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Wow, that’s fucking dark, man.
ME: Yeah, it isn’t good.
NICER 2014 BOBCATS FAN: Does MKG make an All-Star team once he finally learns to shoot?
ME: Uh… Yes.
A Heat fan emerges from the crowd wearing a number six LeBron James jersey with a 2013 NBA Champions patch on the left breast.
For some reason he has a very thick New York accent even though he is a Heat fan presumably living in North Carolina.
OBNOXIOUS, INCONSIDERATE HEAT FAN: Hey! Did I hear you say you were from the future, man?
ME (yelling): Hey! This isn’t fucking about you man! Was I talking to you? Back the fuck up!
OBNOXIOUS, INCONSIDERATE HEAT FAN: Hey, hey, calm down, man. I just wanna know about the future of my team! Do we win a third chip or what?
ME (yelling still): Bro, you don’t wanna fucking know, alright. Things get dark for you. Live in the present, I promise that’s what’s best.
OBNOXIOUS, INCONSIDERATE HEAT FAN: I mean how dark can things get? It’s not like fuckin’ D-Wade is gonna leave Miami, bro.
ME (I’m so angry that I’m noticeable shaking): BACK THE FUCK UP FROM ME IF YOU DON’T LOVE THE BOBCATS I SWEAR.
The Heat fan and the sweet Bobcats fan from earlier both get very scared and run away. I calm down immediately.
ME (standing on top of a nearby trash can): Who else has questions for me, The Great Basketball Prophet of 2017? As long as your questions are Hornets-related, I can answer them.
I see a man in the distance wearing a bright orange Bobcats jersey with the last name “Morrison” on the back. It is a jersey I have seen many times in my own closet, so I knew he was one of my own.
ME: You! Sir! Fellow fan of Adam! Come closer.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Hey, what’s up, are you okay?
ME: I am better than okay now that you are here my friend. I come from the year 2017 to answer all of your Hornets/Bobcats-related queries.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Sick. Does Adam ever make an NBA comeback?
ME: Dude, come on. I mean… I love Adam, but, like, I’m from the future. You should ask me questions you don’t know the answer to.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Fine. Does Coach Cliff hang around?
ME: Yes! Steve Clifford remains one of the most underrated and consistently successful coaches in the league. Some people even think he will be able to get a good season out of Dwight Howard next year!
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Oh, wow, we have Dwight Howard?
ME: I already talked about this earlier and I would really prefer not to get into it again.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Oh, okay, it’s just that you said you will answer any Hornets-questions…
ME: I know, but really, it’s better for both of us. Trust me.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Fine… uh….
ME: Take your time, I know this is a lot.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: How does Cody Zeller work out?
ME: Very well! Zeller develops into a good two-way big man who, along with Kemba and future Hornet Nic Batum, forms a nice little playoff core. The team underperforms in 2016–17, but it allows them to get the number 11 pick and draft Malik Monk, who I think is going to be really good.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Wow, that is awesome to hear! Random question, not Hornets-related, if that’s okay…
ME: I mean it’s specifically breaking my only rule, but give it a shot.
ADAM MORRISON FAN: Where does Lance Stephenson end up? He is one of my favorite players to watch.
Then the weirdest thing happened and NASA randomly pulled me back into 2017 after I subtly gave them the hand signal to bring me back.
If you have any suggestions on how I should use my access to the time travel machine next, sound off in the comments.