Cool Girl Monologue: Faith, Ambition, and Self-Discovery
--
I don’t believe in the idea of go with the flow or against it. To me, that analogy is just nonsense. Humans are probably beyond that.
The complexity of human beings; we are dynamic and ever-changing. We are often pushed to be full of ambition and desire. But, there comes a phase when we must acknowledge our faith and reflect on our past actions. Trust me, everything that has happened to us is ultimately for our good. And also, there’s always two sides to every story, which must be learned as a way to prepare for an even bigger challenge that is almost upon us.
Once, I was a rebel, trying too hard to make a difference in anything, to change everything, even denying my own faith. At the same time, I was a constant soul too, I lied to myself for a sense of satisfaction. Until I transformed into a disoriented mentally blind girl, my mind was totally muddled. I had an excessive amount of optimism, believing that the goddess of fortune would never forsake me because I was the one who deserved that good fortune.
I forgot that God's destiny is so close and clear. Several times I was actually confronted with that sign. Yet, every time I felt it, I only became numb, frightened, and refused to be sensible to it until the moments of reality began to hit me, and it was inevitable. But is that the end of everything?
Hypocrite, I am a hypocrite. I dreamed of being a lifelong learner, but then, in those six days, I spent my whole time crying, I really couldn’t see anything to learn from it. “Every cloud has a silver lining,” You’ve heard that idiom, right? Sure, on the seventh day, that idiom finally came to me out of the blue.
Gratitude, I am sick of that word. I know I must be grateful for whatever I have now, but immediately that’s not a strong reason for me to keep going. Then I realized again, the reason is near as well as the sign. It’s just me and my path that changed. The aims? Always be the same. I believe this chosen path is more wonderful than my dream faith. Now it’s time to find out who can turn the sorrow of failure into a crushing victory.
Contemplation, the circumstance forced me to reflect on everything, to play clips of the events I had experienced before. It’s time to accept myself fully, with all the flaws I used to cover up, with all the disgrace that has now gathered dust, with all the wounds that are now blistered. “Poor mentality,” they said. But they just misunderstood me. It’s not about living only once or being an idealist, because sometimes we need to be both idealistic and pragmatic at the same time. Once again, complexity. It doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on my dream; it’s like I have to walk another mile, see another scenery, to make my journey more exciting.
"Isn't that exhausting? Why didn't God just give me a shortcut? Why did God make me take this long path?"
Man might fall into an abyss of emptiness or a void of nihilism, seeing everything as meaningless, but I’ve learned that it’s just very human. It’s exhausting, I know, when things turn monotonous and hope begins to evaporate from our body. However, God burdens a man according to his ability. We are here for the long run, not a shortcut. It’s like a gate that we must pass through to achieve something, like the dua that we keep offering to Him.
There is nothing truly static in the universe. Thus, we aren’t supposed to stay glued in our place, drowning ourselves in sorrow. We must move on to accept all changes.
Once again, those simply analogies fail to capture our complexity. Although society is ever-changing too, they may not truly understand us—perhaps only we can fully understand our own responsibilities, capabilities, and aims.
