Shit My Guests Say (Or How To Piss Off Your Waitress)

The customer is always right, except when they aren’t. But in the name of all things hospitality, you won’t be the one to tell them that. Instead, let us rant about all the shit our restaurant guests have said and the responses we wish we could have given.

“I know it’s not on the menu, but…”

– Said the guest who thinks that since you have guacamole, you can surely get the kitchen to dice up some avocado for their salad during the dinner rush.

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“Can we have some extra bread?”

– From the table that will decide later they are “stuffed” and will split an entree.

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“You’re behind the bar, why can’t you just make me a drink?”

– Said every guest at a slammed bar, talking to the bar back while he’s loading up the dishwasher.

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“So what’s your real job?”

– I didn’t realize this was not a real job. Thank you for that though. I look forward to your 8% tip, Sir.

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“I never would have ordered X if I knew it was going to cost this much!”

– You do know the menu lists prices, right?

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“Is there meat in this dish?”

– You ordered the vegetable lasagna, so no ma’am, there is not.

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“Can you make my Long Island Iced Tea stronger?”

– You do know there are at least 4 types of alcohol in that, right?

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“Do you mind if we move tables? It’s too loud/hot/cold/quiet.”

– Sure, I have all the time in the world!

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“What would you like to order?” — Bartender “Surprise me.”

– How about water?

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“We’re in a hurry, could you keep that in mind?”

– That sounds like a personal problem.

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“What is your favorite thing on the menu?”

– The most expensive thing we have?

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This post originally appeared on the Upserve blog. Check out Back of House for more content like this every day.

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