How to Break the News?

Thursday, December 9 2010

I need to think about how I am going to break the news to people. I would like to be open, honest, and direct about this. The current view is, this cancer is not considered curable, especially when it discovered at a late stage. This does not mean I will die soon — there are women with 30+ year remission. However, no one yet with this disease is considered cured regardless of how long a remission they have. Of course, in a few years, there might be a medical breakthrough. But, let’s deal with what we have now.

Given all this, keeping it quiet and secret is not an option. I need to consider this as part of my life — a part of my identity. So, it’s better that I am open about this. The amount of energy that will have to be diverted to pretend otherwise is the energy I can’t afford and don’t want to afford even if I could.

The kids….. I will certainly discuss this with them when both of them are home. I want to be honest about my condition and prognosis. They are smart kids and can certainly do their own research. I need to have a preemptive debriefing on what they will see when they launch their independent research. When they do, they will see the kind of grim statistics that I saw. I need to share with them a nuanced understanding that this average statistics do not apply to me for various reasons. I don’t want to simply say “I am optimistic and I will be fine”. I believe optimism should be grounded on a rational explanation. “Positive attitudes” devoid of any rational ground is nothing but wishful thinking, and it’s an indication of intellectual sloth. Of course, I am aware that there is such a thing called “mind over body”, and the placebo effects amply demonstrate the point. That said, optimism that has the luxury of a rational ground makes a strong case for a realistically positive outlook. I have this luxury, and I need to clearly convey this to the kids.

As for the friends and family ….. Definitely a clear and straightforward communication with them. I am not fearful of my disease. I have seen the worst statistics already. There is really no room for it to get any worse than what I am aware of already. Nobody should feel like they are walking on eggshells. I am open to any kind of discussion, question, and thought exchanges. I am planning to indulge in a maximum degree of black humor and macabre jokes at my expense. The day I can’t do this is the day I am losing it.

There is one exception for this open communication. My family in Korea. The primary reason is my mother. She is 80 years old. She has never been an emotionally strong person. Even though I live far away with an ocean between us, she has always depended on me for emotional support. Her two sons are there but it’s me who is there for her as an emotional bedrock. There is no way she can handle it .It has always been a complete one way street ever since I graduated from high school. If she learns about this, I will have to console her, comfort her, reassure her over and over again several times a week over the phone. I simply do not have the energy right now for it. In fact, the added burden of managing my mother’s angst on top of everything else that is going through will simply drain me. 
More than my mental resources, the real concern is, what is the purpose of putting her in so much pain? Why should I destroy her sense of well being and security? What price for terrifying, cruel truth? Truth be told, even when I go into remission and become healthy again, I don’t think I will ever tell her what happened. Her sense of security will be so forever destroyed, and from that moment on, she would be constantly wonder what other bad news I did not tell her. I KNOW her. I know how her mind works. There will be no peace for her. How long is she going to live? Five more years? Ten more years? I have no desire to create a reality where her life is full of fear, doom and gloom. I want her to remain where she is. I am also keeping it quiet from my two brothers and their families.

I have an incredibly supportive husband who loves me unconditionally. More than anything else, this makes me the luckiest and most fortunate woman. He is my number one ally and partner in my journey. With him by my side, the added support or lack thereof from my family overseas is close to a non-issue.