Fighting the Selfish Lead Mentality

The Rhinestone
Jul 20, 2017 · 5 min read

Recently I was at a zouk festival and was asked to dance by a lead. Our dance began well, but as the song went on, I got the impression that he had a checklist of all the moves he wanted to do in our dance, and he was set on trying to make that happen.

Our entire dance was him rushing from one harried move to the next. He jerkily led some head movements while pulling me off-balance, into multiple spins that would have ended in a collision with another couple had I not stopped us.

This is how it felt: Imagine we’re shopping in a grocery store. Instead of showing me items and asking my opinion before placing them in our cart, he’s throwing random groceries at me and expecting me to catch all of them. I’m dodging this way and that, trying to grab everything as it flies past me, and risking getting hurt every time I dive for something. A hilarious image, I know, but in a dance, it’s far from humorous. It’s uncomfortable, it’s dangerous, and it’s frustrating.

I call this the Selfish Lead Mentality. It happens when leads become more focused on what they’re leading, and forget WHO they’re leading.

As a follow, let me tell you… We don’t care how many impressive moves you can do. We would much rather connect and have a calm and relaxed dance than feel like we have to be on our toes, ready to catch the next thing you throw at us.

As a lead, let me tell you… I totally get it. It’s really difficult to think for two people at once. To be cognizant of where your follow is, where you are, where everyone is on the dance floor, if your follow is comfortable, if they’re having fun, if you’re having fun, what the song is doing, matching what the song is doing… the list goes on and on.

It’s not a bad idea to try to lead new moves, even ones you might not be particularly good at. I do it all the time. Often I try to lead some new moves that end in utter failure, but that’s okay. That’s how you learn.

But it’s important to keep in mind that you aren’t a sculptor molding a lifeless piece of clay. You aren’t playing with a Barbie.

You are having a conversation with a partner. Listen to their body language and how they respond to you. If you don’t, you are basically shouting over them when you repeatedly force the moves that you are set on doing. Their comfort comes first.

Here are some tips for avoiding a selfish lead mentality.

  1. Learn the grammar.

When you were a baby, you learned to speak by first memorizing a couple of words. As you got older, you learned more words, and then you learned how to string sentences together.

When you dance, the same concept applies. Dance is a language, and you HAVE to learn and PRACTICE the basics, then add from there. You can’t expect to say complex sentences well if you don’t have the foundation.

Sticking to and building upon the basics might not be as glamorous at first, but it’s going to pay off in making you a better communicator and a better lead. You want to do it right not just for yourself, but for your future partners!

2. Listen to your partner, and speak (dance) slowly.

As a lead, I first slowly approach and close the frame at the beginning of a dance with someone new. If I feel the follow stiffen up or seem uncomfortable at any point, I don’t go into very close frame. I also start off with some simple weight transfers and then body isolations with a lot of musicality. Depending on how the follow responds to that, I determine where to cap the difficulty of the moves I lead. With a less advanced follow, I might try a few moves that might be outside of their comfort zone. With a more advanced follow, I might try a few moves that are outside of mine. But in both situations, the same rule applies:

If I can tell they are not responding well or that they are uncomfortable, I stay away from that type of move for the remainder of the dance.

It’s also totally acceptable to verbally communicate and ask them if that new move you did was okay. (AFTER the dance is over.)

3. When in doubt, focus on feeling emotional connection.

Yes, the big moves are fun, but where I get my thrill in zouk is the connection between me and my partner. As a follow and as a lead, I like to focus on feeling my partner’s energy throughout the dance and matching it. I block out every thought but the feeling of being in contact with them and matching their breathing. When both of us do that, it’s rare to have a bad or stressful dance.

As a lead, especially since I’m not too advanced, it’s much easier for me to enjoy the dance and feel like I am giving my partner a good time if I can really vibe with them and not have to worry about leading bigger moves. I often go back to this if I feel off at all while leading.

I have had many dances (as a follow) with professionals where during the big moves, I was honestly feeling a little emotionally disconnected. But once they swept me into close frame and I could really experience their energy, I experienced a dance flow (or dance high) like never before and they became dances I would never forget.


Just remember: your follow is there to be with you! You don’t have to make big moves the focus of your conversation. Those have their time and place, and there’s no need to rush into them!

Take your time. Enjoy the dance.

-Elena “The Rhinestone” Rovito

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The Rhinestone

Written by

just a country girl in the big city, dancing her way through life.

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