Love Letter to Willy Wonka

Dearest Willy,

Is Willy short for something? I feel strange calling you Willy. Can I call you William? Bill? Billy?

I hope the Oompa Loompas deliver this letter instead of throwing it down the bad egg chute onto the furnace like my last seventy-five…I understand they are jealous of what we have, but don’t you think it might be time for them to get used to the idea of us as the perfect confection?

In your last letter you said you were changing conditioners, which was very alarming to me, because you know how much I love the wiry tentacles of your chocolatier mane. I hope since I’ve last seen you that you have reconsidered.

It won’t be long until I visit the factory again. Please send more specific directions this time, I keep getting lost and you know how skilled the loompas are at misdirection. Maybe we can go for a boat ride sometime in your chocolate river tunnel next time…it was so romantic the last time you took me — well, except for the projections of chicken beheadings.

Either way, I raise a fizzy lifting drink to toast to when I shall again run my fingers through your curly maniac tresses.

Good day sir,


P.S. Thanks for the gobstopper — it is reassuring to know my love for you isn’t the only thing that is everlasting.