blackrain.

chapter 1

My heart just stopped beating. It is a strange feeling, the sudden absence of that familiar rhythmic beat. And even stranger, is my complete awareness as I slowly descend into darkness. I can hear shouting and scuffling around me. The screaming flat line sounds from the heart rate monitor, and I realize I am dying. It is strange though, how fear eludes me at this very moment I could never imagine to face so soon. Just like that, my life, my twenty seven years of life, ends swiftly by the striking hand of mortality. I hear a deep male voice yelling out some medical jargon, which results in more scuffling sounds, now moving farther away. My body relaxes as my lungs release what I suspect is the final bit of air, for the last time. I wish I could manage a smile. To tell them it’s okay, I’m okay and it doesn’t hurt but I can’t hear them anymore. I can’t hear anything anymore. It is somehow comforting yet disturbing, the complete silence that envelops me. And even though it is completely dark around me, I feel nothing but peace. A feeling like I have never experienced in my life. Sure I was happy. I had everything I could hope for. But there was always a peculiar sense of something not quite right. And of course I hoped that I would figure it out one day. But it is too late. Not that it matters anymore. It is over.

I can feel everything, and yet I feel nothing. Moments all flow into one. So effortless. Without knowing I understand. I understand what it means to be free. What it means to let go. What it means to let go of all that we carry inside us. Of all that holds back the immense spirit that we are. That which denies it. Allowing us only a mere glimpse of our true selves, just to conceal it again behind the shame, the fear and the guilt. Until yet again we drown in the lies. The lies we end up believing, forsaking ourselves. A sudden panic starts to rise in me. Gripping my throat with a crushing strength. A restless feeling, as if I am not alone. I can hear voices around me again. But they are whispering. I can’t make out what they are saying and they suddenly become louder and faster. I can see some kind of movement in the corner of my eye. Blurred and foggy shapes flash past me. An unexpected scream pierce my ears. I try to cover my ears, but I can’t seem to move my arms. And then I see, as clear as day, a little girl standing next to a set of stairs. A smell of burnt wood mixed with something like damp earth overpowers the room. The girl looks only about six years old. She is looking away from me, as if hiding her face. Her once white dress now caked with dirt. I try to move closer, but something is holding me back. I feel the overwhelming need to help her. To comfort her. I know she is afraid. There is something at the foot of the stairs. Or it might be someone. I try to focus my eyes to make out what or who it is, but it’s too dark. I try and talk to her again, and an unexpected sound escapes me. It is the same scream from before. Confusion sets in. What is happening to me? The little girl looks at me now. Long black hair frames her pale little face. She is frightened. And she has been crying. Dried tears and dirt cover her cheeks. I don’t understand why she seems familiar to me. I remember something, but just as soon it is gone. I just know I need to help her. I need to get her away from this dark place. I try and call out to her. “Lily!” How do I know her name? It is my voice again. She starts to walk towards me, and I reach out to her. Her lips are moving, but I can’t hear her. Fear fills her soft blue eyes as they move towards something behind me. I feel frozen and numb. And immediately I know I can’t help her. It’s too late. I can feel hot breathing in my neck. Cold and clammy hands grab both my arms. I start to scream, this time with all I can muster. I can’t fight it, I’m too weak. “Please make it stop!”

Silence. A sharp pain shoot through my skull, and I grab my head. A faint aroma lingers in the air that I can’t quite place. I open my eyes. It is dark, with only a few lights streaming in from a small window, illuminating the opposite wall. Some magazines are stacked on a metal table next to me. Faint light scatters through a water filled glass jug. My body ache as I try to move. I feel tired but I’m too scared to close my eyes. My heart is pounding in my chest and I feel the panic rise up again as my lungs battle to fill with air. I hear feet rushing past the door, and the sound of an intercom system calling for a doctor…Smith? Relief sets in with the realization. I am in a hospital. I am alive.

chapter 2

I wake to shades of pale orange playfully dancing on the ceiling. There is a slight twitch in my left eyelid. My head feels foggy, and a dull pain rest behind my eyes. A soft groan announces another in the room. I slowly move my aching head to see mom, half sitting, half lying on a plush, wine red single couch. Her mouth is slightly ajar. Her usually neat, coppery hair is matted against her forehead. A small thin, grey throw only just covers her lower body, her folded hands keeping it from completely bundling on the floor. It brings back beautiful childhood memories as I watch her, poised even as she sleeps. Her forehead is scrunching up in a frown, which has gracefully left its mark from years of over use. I remember one late summer afternoon, as I watched her sleeping in the sunroom. It was particularly hot that day, her pale green summer dress clinging to her beautifully tanned skin. I loved to watch her. She was, and still is, so graceful. Always making everyone else look frumpy and pale in comparison. I don’t want to wake her, even though her gentle voice would soothe my confused and tired mind. The emerald coloured curtains stir lazily as a breeze sneak through the open window. I try to remember how I got here. But I’m too tired to figure it out. I feel unmistakably different. Something has changed although I don’t quite know what. And I remember the girl in my dream. She was so pure and innocent, as she stood there all alone. And I know those pale blue eyes will haunt me for a long time. There was something about her. Something vaguely familiar in her eyes. It was as if I could feel her fear, her sadness, as if her tears were mine.

Mom’s soothing voice steer me back to reality.

“Honey, you’re awake!” Her eyes show relief, and her mouth curl into a soft smile.

“I didn’t want to wake you, you looked exhausted.” The words are barely audible, scraping through my throat.

“It’s okay, honey, don’t speak. Here have some water.” She pours some into a glass and hands it to me. My lips feel dry and chapped. A desperate thirst awakens with the first sip of cold liquid. I gulp down the remaining water, and immediately regret not savouring it as it cools my throat. I hold the glass out to mom, asking for more. As she pours the next glass she unexpectedly burst into tears.

“Mom?” is all I can manage. She waves her hand as she turns her head. I take it with both of mine and give it a gentle squeeze. She wipes her tears before she looks back at me.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what I did that for.” I give her a smile, even though I desperately want to ask what the hell is going on. What happened? As if reading my mind, she says softly “Honey, do you remember anything before the accident?” Accident? So the dying part must have been real. I shake my head, frowning in confusion. A sigh escapes her frail body. She suddenly looks older than I remember.

“It’s okay, they said this might happen, temporary amnesia they called it.”

“Accident?” My voice sounds raspy and I find myself wishing I was back in that peaceful place. Everything made so much sense. Only now to be erased, like a dream, slowly fading into the deep corners of my mind, never to be found again.

“Oh sweety. You don’t remember the accident either? Your car was found flipped over next to the highway, it was pouring with rain. Oh honey, I didn’t know if…” Her voice trails off into more tears. As hard as I try, I just can’t remember anything about this so called accident.

She says, even softer now “No one knows where you were going. You were acting very strange over the phone earlier that day. You sure you don’t remember any of it?”

Again I shake my head, confusion thickening into terror. And for a second I see something in mom’s eyes. Something like…relief.

To be continued…