I’m Voting For My Own Taint For President
The 2016 presidential election couldn’t have come at a more pivotal moment in American history. In a time of anger, fear, and rampant political partisanship — it’s only fitting that Americans are left with a choice between two of the most-polarizing nominees ever.
It seems to be a choice between the lesser of two evils. On one hand, you have a wrinkly, thin-skinned, nationalist scrotum. On the other, a wretched, manipulative, establishment asshole.
Which candidate will I be voting for this November? I’m proud to announce today, the answer is — neither.
You see, our next president needs to be a unifier — someone who can put an end to political divisiveness and bring us back to the way America used to be — to a time when Democrats and Republicans weren’t all that different — to a time when politicians on the left and right could get along, make compromises, and move our country forward. We need someone to bring the dicks and assholes of the world together. That’s why I’m voting for my own taint.
Forget Gary Johnson. Forget Jill Stein. My taint is the true third-party candidate. What kind of platform is my taint running? I’m glad you asked…
MY TAINT ON THE ECONOMY
My taint believes in a free-market system that allows dicks to be dicks, and assholes to be assholes.
MY TAINT ON TERRORISM
My taint considers ISIS a major threat to our national security, and proposes a “Front-to-Back” method for wiping them out.
MY TAINT ON ONE-PLY TOILET PAPER
If elected president, my taint will issue an executive order commissioning the immediate burning of our country’s entire supply of one-ply toilet paper. The order will also ensure the indictment and imprisonment of any company executives found producing or distributing it.
MY TAINT ON ABORTION
Bearing in mind the damage child birth has done historically to taints all over the world, my taint is staunchly pro-choice.
MY TAINT ON THE SECOND AMENDMENT
My taint supports the right to bare arms, but strongly opposes storing them in one’s pants.
MY TAINT ON IMMIGRATION
My taint believes in having an open-border, preferably one that’s washed regularly.
MY TAINT ON SAME SEX MARRIAGE
As someone who spends a lot of time around a dick and an asshole, my taint is pleased that the two can finally live together in harmony.
I know what you’re thinking: “Is America ready for its first taint president?”
Well if ask me — I think we’re well overdue. For too long, taints have been ignored and marginalized. Forgotten, down in the damp undercarriage of society — some taints never even get to experience the light of day. I think it’s time we send a message to taints everywhere. It’s time to break the pelvic bone ceiling. It’s time to find a middle ground. #FeeltheTaint
