The 6 Types of Vegans
Just like religions, countries, and the world of dance, veganism is filled with a wide range of people, some of whom are freaks, and a smaller some of whom are able to maintain the appearance of normality as long as you don’t get to know them too well.
It’s important to categorize people in whatever ways you can, whenever you can. Telling someone you’re a yellow INFPXIDHSP isn’t enough for them to really grasp who you are, especially when you’re a vegan. So, here are some different kinds of vegans to watch out for.
The Soy Latte Vegan Gal
She’s vegan, but in like an LA way, not like in a weird way. This girl loves the beach, looking good in her Brandy Melville jeans, and gum. Being vegan has been amazing for her thigh gap, and she loves loves loves animals as long as they’re cute and fluffy and match her Instagram aesthetic.
The Granola Vegans
Pesticides? Yuck. Even the presence of those nasty chemicals in these cool cats’ RV would ruin their entire energy. Granola vegans don’t just abstain from all animal products, they also abstain from sugar (unless it’s agave), aluminum deodorant (sensible), and the grid. They nearly always come as a couple, and they’ve also worn bandanas/done volunteer work in Africa.
The “I Can Eat Whatever I Want Now” Vegan
ICEWIWNs are usually female, have Netflix, HBO, Hulu, and YouTube Red subscriptions, and are looking for a last-ditch method to lose weight before they just give in and get a gastric band. They couldn’t be further from the 800-calories-a-day LA vegan, as they’ll pound bread, French fries, and dark chocolate like it’s nobody’s business.
The Reluctant Vegan Spouse
These guys promised to love their spouses in sickness or in health, which means they have to put up with the sickness that is veganism in order to keep their marriage strong. Their diet may be similar to that of other vegans most of the time, but they’ve never watched Cowspiracy and they’re kind of hoping their coworkers will bring in bacon-wrapped donuts tomorrow.
The Vegan Newbie
New vegans are kind of like newly-bitten vampires in the Twilight world — highly energetic, starving, and willing to fight you. Not yet beaten down by years of ignorant comments from meat-eaters, the Newbie just watched Forks Over Knives and is ready to Linda McCartney the shiz out of this vegan thing. Also, follow her new vegan Instagram account.
The “I Forgot This Was Noteworthy” Vegan
With the taste of bacon erased from their minds forever, these vegans barely even need to check labels anymore. They’ve sat through about a million mind-numbing conversations with carnivores in their time, and they’ve learned that not everyone is as passionate about animals or longevity as they are. They enjoy the benefits of a plant-based diet without any of the struggles, and they wish their friends and family would realize how much delicious vegan food is out there. They may have to enjoy a baked potato and broccoli when out to dinner with meat-eaters, but their daily diet kicks ass and their taste buds aren’t numb from the processed crap that has deadened everyone else’s. Fruits and vegetables taste delicious, and so does the knowledge that no animals were harmed by their decisions today.
If you have any questions about veganism, feel free to ask them.