After a month of being elsewhere, it’s almost as if I allowed myself to grow, to breathe and having done that, to learn, about a few things about myself, maybe about how to use my life itself.
It’s been a rough 2 decades, a lot of it being attributed to surviving in a barrel of hypocrisy, which led me to be cynical towards my own self but, that’s in the past (although very near).
My time there, helped me re acquaint the one condition that I always knew, is what reigns supreme as the forefront of all forms of progression: BALANCE.
I got a bit of a time out from my own hell here, that I finally understood the importance of a few things in life, such as money, a decent standard of living, health, an invested and enjoyable hobby, character, and how it all fits in the grand scheme the King has for us.
I’d explain it this way: I’ve been both rich and poor, if I were to choose one, I’d choose peace.
It seems like something beautiful, but it’s highly idealistic, and consequently unrealistic. Why? Because it stemmed from unintended ignorance. I’ve seen the rifts having money has brought upon my life, and I’ve seen the monsters we ourselves become to one another, when money is an issue. But that’s the problem, we are, or at least the adults in my life at the time, but I blamed it on money.
I realized why I needed to work hard, the month I was away. It was clearer, non-suffocating but still a good, fair warning.
So, I realized, why money is important and finally understood what the King meant when He said the Love on money is the root of all evil.
I learnt a healthy balance of saving money and working hard for it, without letting it consume me, like it did those before me.
This is beautiful.
A beat away from frowning and gnashing teeth, helped me tremendously.
I saw people, and I did see people, I didn’t just look at them. They all waited for me to crack a smile, they smiled back. Take that, presumptuous Self!
Tomfoolery aside, it was nice having the privilege to mellow down and just talk to people, to not think about the next year, the next achievement I dreaded, the next thing I “have” to do. Instead to meet the people I had around me.
And they were welcoming, this was astounding to me, baffling even. Why would they welcome me? Hmm. It’s something I pondered, only to realise that, it doesn’t need pondering.
Humans are best at adapting to a given situation; that fact has always stumped me, this very fragile being, is capable of so much complexity, take that, evolutionists!
These people did the same; they adapted to me, welcoming, and they welcomed back, so I tested this theory out. I’d walk down the street lock eyes with someone, instead of smiling after 2 seconds, I’d push it to 4 or 5. Anything less than 2 and they’d think I have hidden motives, anything more than 5 and they’d treat my, now premature smile as a fully mature taunt at aggression.
Often it took them earlier to respond in the latter manner but they’d switch up, to my smile and I could strike up conversations, this was astounding to me, to a normal human? This was Tuesday. This is also how humans adapt.
Perhaps this is why The King commands us to be kind to one another as He is to us.
So, if I were to follow Him, I must treat every person I meet, as the last person I’ll ever meet!
This is beautiful.
In crimson red flames I reside, deep within the caverns of my heart, carved with literature of vengeance, hate and a lust for inflicting pain and terror, a vanguard of chaos and decimation.
That’s what I’d describe my very young heart to be, a sad, uninformed and desolate heart.
Filled to the brim with an instilled instinct to not merely compare but to directly measure my worth with the ones against me.
The flames burned for a while, and like any other, consumed by itself, ceased. I had sentience, still. So, I hated that, that rage, that… I can’t even begin to image it. I became cold, for the longest time. Rooting and genuinely enjoying others’ success, while simultaneously not caring about my achievements, my goals, my story. I was afraid I’d rekindle what once was, and at my current strength now, magnify it. Thus, I never bothered, the fanning of the flames never stopped, but the flames not being there, helped.
When I left for a month; the fanning stopped. Then unto me, came a feeling, a feeling so familiar, yet divorced: Frustration. The healthy kind of frustration, you feel when you want to be better at something. A healthy competition. One that makes me want to push myself, but also reminds me to wash the dishes so I can grab a coffee with myself and meditate on the King, a competitive spirit. This healthy feeling, was so foreign, yet so familiar. So warm and pushing me to live, not just be exhausted.
Maybe this is what the King meant, as iron sharpens iron, a man sharpens another.
This is beautiful.
My King, the creator personified, exhibiting truest of love, is beautiful. To reside with Him, I am far too ugly. But He has commanded me to follow Him. One day, by grace, I’ll dwell with my King forevermore.
