The Art of Not Making a Decision

Help! I can’t choose for myself.

Take me wherever you want. (Image from author)

How do you just know what you want?

If you’re an indecisive person, this is the million dollar question.

Today, you don’t know what to wear. You don’t know what to study. You don’t know which present to give. You don’t know how to start a text message. Ugh! So many things in life are about decision-making.

But fear not: Actually, you don’t need to make a decision.

Instead, you try to find it. Even if it takes years.

There are two ways to do that:

1. Overthink.
2. Let other people decide for you.

Trust me, it works like a charm.

Technique #1: Overthink

Should I start this project? Should I go out this weekend?
Should I choose the pizza or the pasta menu?

Now you’re in deep reflection, because you’ve learned that you always have to choose wisely.

Notice the amount of ‘should’ questions. That’s because indecisive people tend to be (very) moral. Behind their wishy-washy facade (their favorite quote being : “I don’t know!!!”), what’s really going on is this:

They’re comparing Good vs. Bad.
Appropriate vs. Inappropriate.
The intelligent and kind thing to do vs. The stupid and mean thing to do.

And that’s not a bad thing. Fortunately, you care about how your decisions will affect others. Sometimes you even care about yourself: Your health, your happiness, your life goals…Whatever. Overthinking shows you care a lot about doing good.

But what “good” is, no one really knows. The good decision can’t speak for itself. It will not whisper in your ear: “Hey, pick me! I’m right here!!!” That makes the job even harder.

So now you’re using logic. It’s not about picking option A or B anymore. It’s not about what you want. It’s about researching and decoding and arguing which choice is objectively the right one, and which is the wrong one.

Some call it wisdom. Others call it procrastination.

Well, technically if you’re indecisive, you wait more. Hoping that maybe tomorrow, next week, or next year, you’ll wake up and have the magic answer right in front of your nose.

Now I can finally give myself the permission to decide. (Image by author)

I wish it was that simple.

In an ideal world, I would see different versions of myself through a screen. That way, I’d make a better judgment. I’d pick the right path. I’d say: “Okay, I’m 100% sure I wanna go this way. And if not, I’ll get a refund.”

But I guess life goes the other way around: You live the future first, and only then you’ll be able to tell whether you like your decision or not.

That’s risky, though.

So you do mental gymnastics instead. You weigh the pros and cons. You try to make hypotheses about what’s good and what’s bad. And by the time you finally act, you’ll have a headache from all this overthinking.

Oh well. I guess this technique doesn’t fully work.

But rest assured; there’s still another one left.

Technique #2: Make Other People Decide For You

Suppose you’re hanging out with an acquaintance, and you have to choose a restaurant. Ouch.

You both say: “Whatever you want.”

And now you’re both stuck.

Maybe you don’t mind where to eat. But also, there could be a secret fear behind: If good decisions exist, then it’s very possible that you make a bad suggestion, and hence, that you make a terrible mistake.

You’d feel guilty if your choice was the incorrect one, whatever incorrect might mean. And no one wants to be incorrect. No one wants what I would call PR, or Potential Regret.

Because that’s what making a decision is all about: You’re exposing yourself to the annoying “what ifs” and “should haves”. The frustration. The self-disappointment. The desperate rumination of what could’ve been.

Even if it’s just a restaurant, it still influences the trajectory of your friend’s day, and guess what: You are responsible for picking a regret (because for one restaurant you choose, there’s also one restaurant you don’t choose, and that is Potential Regret).

So now you’re throwing the bomb of PR at each other.

Don’t throw it at me, please! (Image by author)

Somehow, it feels like deciding for ourselves is bad. Because choosing is the equivalent to making a statement. It’s admitting that you have preferences. And if you’re a people pleaser, you don’t want your preferences to clash with others.

So instead of wanting something, you ask for everyone — your partner, your friends, your parents, your teachers, your social media readers — to do the wanting for you.

Because whatever the other person wants must be the good decision.

The problem though, is when you’ve thrown the bomb of PR so many times, and since no one has chosen, you never come to a conclusion (unless you roll a dice and play rock paper scissors or something).

Oh well. I guess technique #2 doesn’t work all the time either.

Which means we have to use our last resort…

When Nothing Works, Become Crazy

Suppose you’re fed up. Enough is enough. You never want to decide anymore, because every time you choose something, you suffer.

Even a simple question like: “Do you want to go out tonight?” involves what the other person actually wants, not you. Somehow, the answer is never in you. It’s always inside other people’s heads.

And now you don’t want to play the detective. You don’t want to assume. You’re tired of guessing what the person wants your reply to be.

So you just call them.

And with a melodramatic voice, you implore:

“I dare you to choose for me.” (Image by author)

“I’m easy-going.” Conflicts usually happen when two people want different things. But what about conflicts that happen when no one knows what they want? (Image by author)

*hangs off phone*

Now you’re all alone.

So you decide to go to the nearest supermarket and waltz down the hall.

And then you decide to buy a bag of cookies.

And then you decide to eat a cookie.

And then, as you eat the cookie, you decide to think: “Wait, did I just make a decision?! But it came naturally though, and I didn’t have to think through it. I didn’t have to ask anyone either.”

You didn’t plan it, you just lived it.

And that’s the art of not making a decision.

Thank you for reading! ✿

Big thanks to Benjamin Cain for the Medium boost.

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