You Don’t Need To Improve Yourself
I see a lot of content about the How of success-making:
- How to get out of a rut.
- How to lose weight in 7 days.
- How to stop wasting your 20s and ruin the rest of your life.
But it’s rarer to find content about the Why of self-improvement.
Why is there a need to improve in the first place?
There’s a Fear Behind The ‘Need’ to Improve
The key word is ‘need’.
First I’d like to differentiate the term of ‘self-improvement’, and the need for self-improvement:
- Self-improvement: Call it ‘flourishing’ or ‘personal transformation’, it’s the process of enhancing your character. Take the analogy of a seed turning into a flower: the seed is not worse than the flower. It’s just evolving by default. Same thing with humans: We are always making some kind of progress.
- The need for self-improvement: When you hit rock bottom, you desperately need a solution. So the idea of improving becomes attractive, then it slowly turns into a craving. That’s because your sense of worthiness depends on whether you’re improving or not.
Hopefully, there are self-help books and videos out there. Their proposition is to give you the tools to be healthier, happier, and more efficient. But the underlying benefit for the reader is that they fill out their void of unworthiness, if only for a brief moment.
And what’s that unworthiness all about?
When I seek the answer within myself, I get something like that:
If I’m a better version of myself, I will be more respected, loved, and understood. I will finally fit in. And I need that…so I can finally accept myself.
In other words, I was using self-improvement as a means to reach self-acceptance. And I’m probably still doing it without being aware.
Even habits such as meditation can be used to reach goals (e.g. to become a peaceful person, to reach emotional mastery), with the root cause being: “I’m not worthy enough”.
Going deeper, there’s a fear of intense emotional pain. The thought of ending on your deathbed, with a face of regret and a semi-depressing smile that implies: “Oh no. I had so much potential.”
(Translation: I did not find a way to feel worthy).
‘Change First, And Self-Acceptance Will Follow’
While self-help can transform your life, it also suggests that you are not worthy (yet).
Most of its hypothesis looks like this:
If you don’t accept yourself (in other words: if you feel unworthy), it’s normal. You are not good enough.
Change first, and self-acceptance will follow.
Since everyone is different, that kind of advice might work for some people. Feeling unworthy can trigger you to take massive action, which is probably better than stagnating in desperation.
I tried to apply this principle, but failed.
Why? Because I had no self-acceptance to begin with.
So whenever I made a mistake, or I couldn’t maintain a habit, I was overly critical of myself:
What is wrong with you? You’re overeating again. As expected…and now your habit streak is ruined. Obviously you just have no discipline. Well…Tomorrow you’re gonna have to be stricter on yourself.
I learned my lesson: without self-acceptance, I will take one step forward then three steps back.
Well, I thought I was using self-help to gain self-worth. Turns out I felt even more like a worthless potato for not following through.
And to combat that feeling…I consumed even more self-help, so as to bring myself the illusion that I was making progress.
Eventually I realized that I liked the idea of taking action, not the action itself. Because the idea of taking action gives me hope without the risk…
…While the action itself leads to endless fault-finding, crippling self-doubt, and unrealistic expectations. Because what’s the opposite of self-acceptance? Self-rejection.
Later on, I realized that maybe I didn’t need to improve. Instead, I needed to change my perspective:
Accept yourself first, and change will follow.
Self-Acceptance Does Not Mean Complacency
Here’s a fear that is especially prevalent in our self-help culture:
If you accept yourself too much, you’re just going to be lazy and complacent. You’ll remain stagnant for the rest of your life, because you think you’re already good enough.
In my opinion, this is not what self-acceptance means. If you say “I’ll never change because I accept myself”, you are also not accepting your human nature’s transformative process, and the heartening possibilities of learning new things.
Besides, you are probably changing every day without being aware of it.
The good news is that you can actually change in the direction you want, rather than letting life circumstances or other people change you. That’s the premise of self-help.
And it’s a beautiful thing. Yes, you get to choose your own path. But you don’t need to wait five years (when your goals are accomplished) to finally feel accepted.
Contrary to popular belief, self-acceptance is not the enemy of self-improvement. I even think it is the natural pre-requisite for mindful change:
- Accepting your human nature will make you notice your ‘selfishness’. That is, you also have the desire to be happy and healthy. To have a bright future. To be important. So you start focusing more on yourself.
- Accepting your limitations will make you more patient towards your goals. As you start lowering your expectations, you find it easier to take action. You acknowledge that your confidence is still low, so you become kinder towards yourself.
- Accepting your painful experiences will make you reach for new solutions. There are times when you will fail, relapse, and wander in confusion. But they mean nothing about your worthiness.
- Accepting your daily promises will make you realize you’re stronger than you think. When you recognize your small accomplishments, it gives you even more courage to carry on.
Self-acceptance decreases the internalized pressure to improve.
The more I tell myself: “You don’t actually need to improve”, then my attempts to change become more of a personal aspiration, and less of a fearful compulsion.
