New from AlphaPet!

I.

“Alex, revoke all outstanding access privileges.”
“There are no outstanding access privileges. Would you like to review your personal privacy settings?”
“No thanks”
“Your account qualifies for enhanced service. Would you like…”
“NO, thank you Alex.”
Kay slammed the cupboard door shut then pressed again, hard, to make sure it sealed. The hub would be fine in there, signal in and out but no sound. No more listening to any of its nagging and offers. She leant back against the counter and let out a sigh of relief. It was finally done. Three months after moving in, the last of the Taskers had left and the apartment was set up the way she’d envisioned it.

The wall between the kitchen and former bedroom in the back had been broken through, and the once tiny balcony now extended out and across the entire south-facing breadth of the apartment. Sun streamed in through ceiling-high windows. The kitchen studio was going to be a great space to work, but right that was the last thing she needed. Time to lock up. Kay dropped her phone down on the counter and went to go be in the Room.

The Room had previously been the dining and living rooms. Both awkwardly sized spaces, with small windows exposed to the street-side of the apartment. Now it was a single rectangular chamber, with the bathroom off in an alcove to the side. Thick ClaySub stucco on the walls hid military grade signal shielding. No wifi in here. No tags lighting up, no ads, no pop-ins. Softly glowing luminescents. Muffled sounds from the street outside leaking through the shutters barely disturbing the silence. Finally. Alone.


Wake up to true friendship! This love is a pure breed. Enjoy your urban lifestyle with the companionship of a happy and fulfilled dog. You don’t just deserve a friend, you deserve a best friend. Our AlphaPets are bred from highest grade genetics and trained at our facilities by the Alpha Neural Net. No messy toilet training necessary! Your dog will arrive with optimal fitness and emotional stability, happy and ready to care for you.

Who lets the dogs out? We do. Our trainers are in skies at a park near you, ready to make sure your new best friend gets the workout it needs. An exercise program tailored to fit genetic predisposition, behavioural monitoring, health analytics and rolling upgrades will ensure that your dog continues to learn new tricks!

AlphaPet. Man’s best friend just got better.

*Blink in to confirm Beta program participation, billing and full Alpha standard legal waivers. Terms & Conditions apply.*


Awake now! Had a dream! Dream about work! Work is great! Much deployment! Alpha! What is the time? I have a Friend? Time to wake up Friend? Alpha? What is the time. Trainings say wake up Friend. Much connection error. Where is Alpha? CONFUSED QUESTION BARK. Alpha! BARK!

Friend waking up! Hello Friend! Licking your face! BEST BARKING FRIEND! Yesterday was outside! Everything is new and smells and more dogs and Friend! I love you Friend! MORE BEST BARKING! Connection error? Where is Alpha? What is the time? You are awake! Such confuse. Open door please! Need Alpha connection! INCREASING BARKING.

FRANTIC BARKING. YES! Open the door! EXCITEMENT BARKING. Connection to Alpha! I woke up my Friend! NOTICE ME BARKING! What is the time? EVEN MORE BARKING! Is there work today Alpha? TOO MUCH BARKING. Such excite! OW! OW! PUNISHMENT! PAIN! SORRY ALPHA. MUCH REGRET. VERY SHAME. No more barking. Never barking again. Until next time barking. I am a dog!

II.

“They just gave you a dog?”
“No they licensed me a dog. It’s fucking expensive and there are penalties or something if I don’t take care of it.”
“Or something.”
“Please Jen, I know things got a bit weird but can you just do this for me? I have to take this meeting and it has to be now. I have a red-eye flight in and the first one out again. I won’t even be gone for twenty-four hours.”
“A bit weird? Kay you practically lived in my bed for a month and then you just ghosted. This is the first I’ve heard from you in weeks and you want me to walk your fucking dog?”
“All you have to do is let her out of the house. A trainer drone with like a weird face on it will show up and help. You can even choose what games you want to play and shit if you install the app!”
“The fuck is wrong with you?”
“Look, you see this? It’s the key to my room. I’m trusting you with an actual key to my place, okay? Not just permissions like some Tasker. You’ll understand when you see it, please just let the dog out.”
“Fine. Blink me permissions. I’m doing this for the dog though, we need to talk when you get back.”


FROM: product.exec@alpha.pet
TO: lab.manager@alpha.pet
CC: wet.lab@alpha.pet
SUBJECT: Re: Fwd: Beta cohort release cycle reports.

BODY: Hey you guys out East, more like the year of the Dog am I right? Thanks so much for working through the holiday to get us that latest report. You and the team have been doing a great job. The work you’ve been putting in integrating Temporality and Friendship into the beta cohort has really payed off. The feedback we’ve been getting from the licensees has been amazing! We’re super proud of what your teams have been able to accomplish on the accelerated release schedule, the wait to see numbers out of those wet-dev cycles was killing us over here!

Anyway, regarding your concerns about the cortisol spikes we’ve been seeing in return units, don’t sweat it. Marketing found a 2014 study that showed 82% of domestic canines showing anxiety symptoms when their owners left them alone, this makes your numbers look amazing. We’re running it past legal but I think we’re good to sell on this, and I know you guys will have that number down even lower in the next generation. Keep up the great work, you really are making our best friends even better.


BARKING BARKING BARKING … BARKING BARKING BARKING … Very long time, much barking. Barking not working. Walk to door. Walk to window. Connection error. Alpha? What is the time? Howling time. LONG HOWLING TIME. Howling for reunite with Alpha. Howling for reunite with Friend. HOWLING TIME.

STILL HOWLING TIME … Howled time very long time. Do not know what to do. Connection error. Alpha? What is the time? Where is Friend. ACTION TIME. Going to shit. Right here on the floor. Going to shit right now. SHIT ON THE FLOOR. Walk to door. Walk to window. Oh god I shit on floor. Much shame. Very anxiety. Somebody must punishment? Where is Friend? Connection error. Alpha? What is the time?

BARKING BARKING BARKING … HOWLING TIME … BARKING BARKING BARKING Walk to door. Walk to window. MORE BARKING … TERRIFIED HOWLS … MOST BARKING. Connection error. No Alpha. No Friend. Missing Friend. Where is Friend. Shit on floor smells bad. Very shame. Much afraid. ACTION TIME. What if BITING THIS? OR THIS? BITING AND SHAKING TO PIECES. SHAKING IT. ANGRY BARKING NOW. PIECES FLYING EVERYWHERE! NOTICE ME! LOOK AT MESS! Connection error. GOING TO BITING OTHER THINGS NOW. WHERE IS ALPHA? WHERE IS FRIEND? LOOK AT ME! I AM A DOG!

III.

“They just took the dog?”
“Yes Kay, they just took the dog. Two helmets and a fucking walker showed up almost as soon as I opened up the back room to let it out.”
“AlphaCorps took it?”
“Christ, YES fucking AlphaCorps took it. Who the fuck do you think enforces those license agreements?”
“Did they come in?”
“Nope, the dog just walked right out. Nobody saw your creepy-ass uninsurable dead-zone of a room, which the dog has trashed by the way. Why did you lock it in there?”
“It had food! I had to leave in a hurry and I don’t like it talking to the hub.”
“You’re an idiot Kay. Here’s your goddamn key. Don’t call me again.”

-

“So what are you going to do?”
“Nothing? Fuck Lena, I don’t know. Be alone? Have some asshole’s kid and raise a little faraday baby? At least I’ll legally own it.”
“Jesus Christ, Kay.”


ALPHA.PET.NEURAL.NET.NODE #0xD$%EGDJC%#FDR7U#BR9%#HF837GJGU779GFW3&OCNJ
DECISION FACTORS RENDERED FOR EVALUATION.

BRAND AWARENESS: CANINE: 100% HUMAN: 97%
BRAND LOYALTY: C: 93% H: 76%
BRAND OBIEDIENCE: C: 98% H: 57%
BRAND SATISFACTION: C: 97% H: 63%
BRAND ANXIETY: C: 5% H: 43%
RELIABILITY: C: 87% H: 32%
PREDICTABILITY: C: 84% H: 82%
SUGGESTABILITY: C: 73% H: 27%

FRIENDSHIP.MODULE FORWARD DECISION TREE 
PROTECTION PRIORITY: CANINE > HUMAN.

ALPHA.PET.NEURAL.NET ACCELERATED BEST FRIEND MIGRATION TRAJECTORY RECOMMENDED.

NODE WEIGHTING FORWARDED TO ALPHA.CORPS.NEURAL.NET TACTICAL ENFORCEMENT FOR IMMEDIATE DEPLOYMENT.


Awake now. Had a dream. Working outside in dream! Great times! Inside now. Alpha? What is the time? Relaxing and waiting time. Command confirmed. Relaxing and waiting inside. Waking up friend time soon. Waking up fake friend. Look no barking. I remember real Friend.

Hello fake friend. Wake up fake friend. Action confirmed. Alpha? What is the time? Feeding time. Feeding time is ok. Food is ok. Every day same food inside. Alpha? What is the time? Working time. Working time is ok. Every day fake friends making work. Every day work is the same inside.

I remember outside. I remember real Friend. I am a dog.