Just Call Me Betty


Don’t get me wrong, I love the celeb gossip as much as the next gal. But for the most part, I couldn’t care less whether Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber are on the outs, or whether Jennifer Lopez just cuts to the chase and shows up naked at the next red carpet event.

However, I really do enjoy following the royal family. I do.

See? You don’t even have to ask what royal family, but more on that later.

One of the things that makes the royals seem so interesting is the mystique that surrounds them. We can’t wrap our minds around the lives they live or the rarified air they breathe. But, that is just the life they were born into. They didn’t choose it. They can’t change it.

I adored Lady Diana and never tired of her, but for all her beauty and privilege, she seemed so sad, so out of her depth, and so lacking in love in her life.


RIP, Lady Di

I am also very drawn to Kate Middleton. There is something so magnetic about her and I am in awe of her unfailing fashion sense. Kate seems so upbeat and youthful, while maintaining a dignity that isn’t off-putting. I love her. And I would kill for that hair.


It seems that William and she really do have a love match, and he doesn’t seem like a major jerk like his father.


I also know that Harry is the hardest working royal — surprising, no? But he is. They love him over there.


Side note: Is there anyone on the planet that thinks he is Charles’ son except maybe Charles? If he isn’t a dead ringer for that creep James Hewett, I don’t know what. I never hear anyone talk about it, but it must frost Queen E’s cookies, huh?

Anyway, on to the main event.

Say what you will about Elizabeth Regina, but no matter how powerless a world leader she may be, no matter how useless for anything of import, she does a lot for her country in other ways. I really think that she believes to the marrow of her bones that the monarchy has a duty to perform. You’ve got to hand it to her. She is one serious individual.

I like the queen. I think she might have a really good, really warm sense of humor.


Here are some of the arguments for doing away with the Windsors, and against the Queen in general:

- She and her extended family are an enormous financial drain on an already economically broken society.

Yet, polls have shown that the majority of British subjects could not conceive of life without the monarchy. My friend Jenn (a native Londoner) gasps at the very thought. She is also a pragmatist and acknowledges that tourism dollars and interest in British commerce is generated in part by the public’s fascination with the only monarchy in the world that counts.

Note to my Scandinavian readers: Yeah, I know what you’ve got, but no one cares. They really don’t.


Can you name any of these people? I can’t. It’s the Norwegian royal family.

- QEII serves no true purpose, her role is strictly ceremonial.

That’s true, but the Brits love that shit, and no one does it better. Her subjects find her a comforting presence. The rocky history of the royals is a testament that if the Queen can rise above the family bullshit with the whole world watching, then by God, so can they.

She also throws the first punch at the opening of the FA Cup finals.

- She is head of a church whose doctrine is totally out of step with the real world.

Hey, what can she do? Disown Charles for canoodling with Camilla during his marriage to Di? For getting a divorce? When you’re 60 and in love, who can tell you anything?


- She is a very cold woman and was a terrible mother.

Ok, let me ask you a question. If you had a choice, would you be getting mani-pedis and sexting Tony Blair all day, or would you be coddling that little turd, Charles? Me too.


- She has ignored the fact that her husband is a serial cheater.

Again, what is she going to do? Pack him off to his mother’s? Order a beheading? (BTW, can she still do that?) Talk to the tabloids? No. Besides, from what I have read, he is truly the Duke of Dickitude, so maybe she doesn’t care. As long as he’s not caught with his tongue in Camilla’s navel or something equally unseemly, it’s all good.

There are some pretty awesome perks that no one knows. Oh, sure — the castles, the jewels, the servants, the free coke — everyone knows about those. But here are a couple of things I’ll bet you didn’t know. I do because I’m a secret royal ho.

  1. She is the only person in Britain who can drive without a license or a number plate on the car. If that doesn’t open up a world of possibilities, I don’t know what does. I am in no way street-wise, but even I can come up with a pretty impressive list.
  2. She owns all the swans on the river Thames. She claimed them herself, and I guess no one fought her on it. So now she has a Royal Keeper of the Swans. It’s a real thing. Wouldn’t you love to be able to fill in “occupation” blanks with that?
  3. In an average year, the Queen hosts more than 50,000 people at banquets, lunches, dinners, receptions and garden parties at Buckingham Palace. The Queen has received over 3.5 million items of correspondence during her reign.
  4. She does not have or need a passport.
  5. The Queen has the most opulent, fabulous collection of jewels in the world. She only wears the showy pieces for important national ceremonies, such as the State Opening of Parliament. I mean, she has a pink diamond the size of a Moon Pie. I’d wear that fucker to Walmart if I could.

Can we even imagine all the crap she has to do? All the mind-numbing ceremonies and openings and receptions and meetings she has done so far, and is still doing is unimaginable to me. She’s 90! How she gets out of bed in the morning is a mystery. How I get out of bed is a mystery.

I do know she has handed some of the more onerous duties over to Charles, like:

  1. Produce inspections

2. Chip and dip placement at official functions


3. Fill-in for Royal Meteorologist


4. Elvis impersonator at Honors Presentations


5. Test subject for Her Majesty’s Beautician


6. Last minute cape repairs

The Prince of Wales during a tour of the Shirt Manufacturing Division of Turnbull & Asser to commemorate the tenth anniversary of the factory.

7. Warming up the crowd at coronations

The Prince of Wales joins traditional dancers during a visit to the Central Plaza in Campeche, Mexico, on the eighth day of the Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall's tour to Colombia and Mexico.

8. DJ for House of Lords. I think his moniker is Grandmaster Blue Balls


There are lots more duties, but I think you get the idea. It’s not all Cristal and Funyons at the palace. The Windsors have their hands full with all sorts of things we never think of. So, don’t go dissing them and saying they don’t earn their way.

You know I love you, Liz — stay queeny, keep rocking the high-heels at 90, and don’t abdicate for nobody. Oh, and talk to Kate about some new hats, ok?

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