Just Slip Out The Back, Jack

sugarcoat

As you all know, The Snark does love her some Gwyneth Paltrow and her out-of-touch-with-reality outlook on life. I do look forward to the GOOP Gift Guide coming out every year. Not only do I always need fresh stocking stuffer ideas for under $100,000, the laughs it generates around here has become my main source of cardiovascular exercise. Plus, I am some stuck on about a half-dozen other posts.

So, I checked to see if there was any announcement yet. Sadly, the release date is not yet posted for the catalogue, but the GOOP website always prints some foolish time-waster entertaining and helpful article to lighten my mood.

“20 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Dr. Jennifer Freed caught my eye today. Normally, I would have skimmed over the article with the same jaundiced eye that I use for all that Free To Be You And Me crap, but I had to delve when I saw the following:

“If we could all agree that it is in the best interest of ourselves, and our communities, to get into some serious intimacy shape, we could begin to deal with the reality and the sorrow of relationships that are fizzling out… We could support one another to take regular inventory of the health of our love relationships….to not go into denial about intimacy erosion”

The best interest of our communities? What the hell does that even mean?

Apparently, while I’ve been worrying about things like Zika virus, nuclear war, and environmental breakdown, it’s the insidious erosion of intimacy has been tearing apart the very fabric of our society. Honestly, I had no idea. Does it mean that councilmen/women passing out copies of the Kama Sutra at town hall meetings would be more beneficial than trying to get new sewer covers? Does it mean, “Do you have a thong I could borrow?” has replaced, “Do you have an extra cup of sugar until I get to the store?” to your neighbor?

So, in the interest of civic pride, no — civic duty, I feel some of these tips on the right way to “consciously uncouple” need to be addressed/adjusted, and that Dr. Freed needs to be pointed in the right direction. Note: Keep in mind that Dr. Freed brought us the concept of Marriage Midwives, who are experts in mediation skills and conflict resolution — I guess.

I’m also curious if there is something like the Marital Midwives of America Board or Institute that certifies these people or what. Maybe Doc Freed does it herself, but again, I digress.

I’ll at least start on a positive note with item #1:

1, Take full responsibility for your part in the ending — Ok, I like to think I’m a reasonable woman, so if she means I take responsibility for saying, “Pack up your shit and take it and yourself back to the psycho-bitch you call your sainted mother, “ then yeah, I’m all in.

sharking

I was just getting used to ghosting.

2. I stopped appreciating you and took you for granted. — Bullshit on that. Start appreciating yourself and stop letting him/her take you for granted.

3. Keep your words in the affirmative about the situation and avoid all attempts to make you right and your partner wrong. Again, it is all just loss. There are no winners. — Oh, there are winners, all right. Just make sure the winner is you. When you eliminate toxicity, you’ve won — and won BIG.

4. Keep all your soon-to-be ex’s secret vulnerabilities SECRET. Do not ever reveal intimate facts. That would be tasteless and petty. — I’m unclear on this one. For example, my ex was sensitive about going bald, so by “tasteless and petty”, does she mean doing shit like this?

faceonhead

5. Take time to dissolve the ending by giving your partner notice and discussing reasonable ways to end things. — While I stopped the credit card the second he went out the door so he couldn’t get a motel room, I did give him a lounge chair we kept under the bed to sleep on the beach. It had one of those little umbrella thingies on it, so I think that was MORE than reasonable. I also gave him enough for a sub at Buzzy’s. I mean, how much can one woman give?!

6. I need something different than what I am getting with you and I want to move on. — I am inspired by the wise words of the great American philosopher, Sharon Stone, who said, “A dirt sandwich is better than Dwight Yoakum.” ‘Nuff said.

7. Refrain from clingy sex. — No worries, there, doc.

nosex

8. Keep appropriate new boundaries to avoid confusion and undue stalling. Respect your partner’s boundaries and their need for distance. Hmmm. Distance. Turkmenistan works for me

9. Speak highly of your soon-to-be ex. — HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, you were serious.

10. Take up a new class or hobby to help you fill the new free time that is often fraught with compulsive over-thinking. — It’s probably too late for the “Effective Use of Nunchuks” course at the local high school or online “Undetectable Poisons For Fun and Retribution” (see “Stop! You’re Killing Me!”), but learning how to throw pots or weld, sure, why not?

11. Pay off all debts and split things up fairly. — I do have to say this is true. Nothing tickled me more than when, at meeting with our lawyers, his attorney would (repeatedly) lean into him and say, “So, Loser, what do you want to do about the kids?” We had no kids. He was fucked. I enjoyed this so much, I would have paid this shyster. On the rare occasion, lawyers can have their place.

attorney

12 Spend a good deal of time reflecting what you could have done differently. — This is a ridiculous waste of time. The only thing I would have done differently is that I would have done it sooner. The day I finally threw him out was a wonderfully defining and empowering time my life. The date is still the pin number of my ATM card. Honest to God, it is.

13. Be kind to all of your mutual friends, as well as the friends of your partner. Avoid taking sides. There are no sides. There is just loss. — Bullshit. The ARE winners. There ARE losers. There ARE sides. It’s human nature and you cannot fight that. You can’t.

14. Use this time to take great care of yourself by getting in shape, not just physically but mentally. — I have admit that this is true. The empowerment you will feel my making yourself feel better and look better after being with someone who made you feel like you are nothing is a truly wondrous thing.

15. Be faithful to your soon-to-be ex and do not involve anyone else romantically in your complicated emotional maelstrom until you are truly separated. — Again, true. Who needs the confusion? You don’t know who you are or what you want yet. You may not even know that you deserve better yet.

16. Give your soon-to-be ex lots of physical space and let them attend to things without having to see your face. RESPECT the transition. — Oh for the love of God, spare me the psychobabble! I just hate this shit! “Respect the transition.” Just give me a fucking break, will you, doc?

xanax

Gwynnie says that she is going to start distancing herself from the whole GOOP thing, and I am just going to have to start looking for have to look for a whole new source of material. Mining this rich source has been such a boon to a snark blogger such as myself, that it will be a wrench if she does that.

I’m just not sure if her cluelessness is a legacy that can be passed on to another. On the other hand, she probably has minions (not to mention little Apple) who have been learning at the feet of the mistress since Day 1.

For us, it will be rough, but GP says, “My dream is that one day no one will remember that I had anything to do with it.”

I can’t say I blame her.

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