I Have A Lot Of Questions, Charlie Brown

Yeah, so, we have been watching “It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” on a loop for about a week.

My mighty, mighty good boy Calvin loves it, and I’m happy about that because it’s really cute. The Peanuts cartoons are perfect for my boy. They are funny and sweet. They don’t have violence or fart jokes. And they’re short — like 22 minutes, so it’s a nice, little cartoon to watch in the morning before preschool and in the evenings after bath time but before bedtime.

“I want to watch Snoopy and the pumpkin” is one of the first things out of Calvin’s mouth in the morning, and one of the first things he says when we get home after school.

So, yeah, we’ve been watching it a lot. During that time I’ve gone from passively watching it or tuning it out to having a lot of questions.

Here’s the big question: Who told Linus about the Great Pumpkin in the first place?

None of the other kids believe in the Great Pumpkin, and they only seem to know the story because Linus tells them. Did his parents tell him this story? Was it to keep him from trick-or-treating and eating candy? Maybe Linus has diabetes. If he did hear it from his parents, shouldn’t they have told him the truth after he wasted one Halloween waiting, or is this their idea of a sick joke?

Speaking of his parents, where are they? I know that on the Peanuts the parents are never really around, but come on. Why is Lucy setting an alarm for 4 a.m. and going out to the pumpkin patch to get Linus? That’s really something his mother or father should be doing, not his sister.

Also, what kind of parents let their elementary school-age son spend an entire night in the pumpkin patch? And without a jacket?

And speaking of the pumpkin patch, there’s a scene near the end when Sally is all pissed off because she spent the evening hanging out in the pumpkin patch with Linus instead of trick-or-treating. She physically assaults Linus and demands restitution. I would like to go on record as saying that Sally is way out of line here. She chose to skip trick-or-treating of her own free will. Linus is not responsible for her poor judgment. Own that shit, Sally.

And finally, what kind of asshole gives out rocks to trick-or-treaters on Halloween? This is clearly a kid who didn’t get any help with his costume from his parents, and you punish him by giving him a rock instead of candy?! What the hell is wrong with you? I bet these assholes have Trump signs in their yards.

So anyway, in a few weeks we will be watching “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” and the strange and dark “The Is America, Charlie Brown: The Mayflower Voyagers,” and I will have a lot of questions about those, too, so stay tuned.