Bun, my life now felt so messy, but for the first time, I didn’t expect anything. I prayed in the silence of the night. Soaking in every detail through my skin — my whole body — until I finally found it all coming together in peace.
I don’t need love from others. I don’t care if they hate me for being so selfish in my life choices. I no longer crave their hugs, love, and kisses. Because my heart feels so serene and empty. I no longer want anything. At this point, this silence swallowed me whole until finally, I felt my body completely disappear. I was safe with it, even though I was no longer my old self. But within you, Bun, within the grasp of your hand, there is a comfort that I will never be able to grasp with my small fingers, because its vastness cannot be measured with anything. It offers an incomparable sense of security. To her, I cry out, as if I am free to say that I am not okay. In all my worries in this world, in your arms, I feel serene.
Many words are too difficult to say to you because they get stuck in my throat, the more I force them, the more I scream in pain. The more I recite them, the wider the tears that roll down on my lips. But, Bun, isn’t there a love language that only the two of us know it? Is this predicament a sign that I’m begging a little much? Forcing too often?
Bun, do you know that I’ve lost so much of myself? In my greed, I craved the many loves out there, wandered around mercilessly, and then knelt in the corner of my room collecting every piece of myself. Bun, my life is now a perfect mess and I find it hopeless.
I desperately missed it, Bun. I missed myself. Is life always full of absurdity of consequences? Does this loss bring me a glimmer of love? Could I? But until when? Because I am not you. Your whole body wafts a sweet fragrance, like the nectar that bees crave in the flower season. Your whole body is a bundle of love that will never run out. Your body is longing for souls who have lost themselves. Like me, Bun. Just as I choose to curl up in your arms so that I would always be safe for all time.
If all of me was gone, I know I would always have you — because I was a piece of you, who made a home in your womb. who let your body shattered because it’s called a mother’s love for her child. You let me grow up fondly so that I could love myself back, but it seems I was overburdened, I took it all.
Bun, in a world that does not always stay by my side, you are the aim in many uncertainties.
Thank you for reading and staying until the last pages :)
