Clear-Waisted Shorts



Clear-Waisted Shorts are a transparent attempt in compromise! All men despise high-rise attire, but women don’t give a shit. Clear-Waisted Shorts are the solution that lets women keep their high-waisted-ness while once again allowing men to gawk at midriffs and back dimples!


Men and women disagree, mostly because women are wrong — innately. Owning a Y chromosome is a prerequisite to exactitude, truth-seeking, and calculated pioneering. Chromosomal fortitude has guided men to erect our world. Men created nuclear warfare for safety. Men implemented slavery for productivity. Men have kept men in power so society maintains its proper, bomb-chuckin’, Ozone-eatin’, pussy-grabbin’ trajectory. Can I get a “hell fuckin’ yea!?” Men are the ultimate — the exponents! And if this seems close-minded and vaguely sexist, refer to the teachings of most credible-and-correct source ever present — The Holy Bible (also created by men).

“I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.” (1 Timothy 2:12)

- St. Paul, Apostle and He-Man Woman-Hater

Despite the wrongfulness bestowed upon the entirety of women, men have been gracious enough to seek common ground, for humanity’s sake. If men refused to yield behind their purely flawless logic — instead of letting women win arguments — our communities would crumble within a loop of each woman’s “nothing” response to each man’s “babe, what’s wrong?” It is a battle in gender disagreement, but we’ve hacked it just enough to keep spawning more conflict.

Penis-danglers and vagina-toters agree on nothing: how to spend money, how to punish/beat children/pets, or even which holes qualify for sex. More than any other topic of disagreement, however, men have focused their disapproval on one female accord: high-waisted jeans.

During our 1940’s, in response to WWII, high-rise jeans (or “mom jeans”) were introduced on account of women working in fields and factories, although I do not understand how a high-waisted design is advantageous — maybe early denim designers believed manual laborers worked harder if their belly-buttons were trapped in rugged & abrasive material. In 1945, when the Allies accepted a small-mustachioed surrender, WWII died. Unfortunately, though, high-waisted fashion refused to find the grave it deserved. Come the 1990’s, Hip-Hop and Country music cultures informally teamed up in an effort to make women’s shorts super fucking tiny. It was a blissful time for creeping eyes, unless you were the father of a trendy daughter. It was in the early 2010’s that mom jeans made a comeback, despite the absence of an uptick in females in manual labor. How did this happen then? Lady Gaga and Rihanna. Pop culture icons drive fashion, and, unfortunately, these crowd-movers took a page out of a 1980’s Sears catalog.

The high-rise revival brought much suffering to men. As if overnight, the torso of every woman in America vanished, devoured by denim. A stronghold of fibrous blue staunchly defending tummies from wind and male arousal. Each darier deflated, hanging wistfully below a scrunched waistband — a waistband defying the true location of a “waist,” as it hug the upper ribcage. A Canadian diaper in the fashioning likeness of Steve Urkel. Perhaps women chose this attire to spite men for some reason, although I do not recall any harm that men have inflicted upon women, like, ever. Investigation as to “why?” aside, something must be done to rid the world of these lady-climbing suitor-shields.

My team and I now present our attempt to regain the gawker’s dream. On behalf of the undeservingly afflicted male population, we have created an invention in compromise — women can keep their sky-waisted style while allowing men to appreciate the artful figure of a lady!

Meet Clear-Waisted Shorts!


Clear-Waisted Shorts are the last resort in ending the up-too-far, figure-insulting nature of high-waisted attire! By making the unwanted portion of the garment invisible, we have essentially resolved the issue!


We have a team of passionate male volunteers who have devoted the whole of their free time in our attempt to retire opaque, high-waisted attire. That’s how much they hate them.


Clear-Waisted Shorts are stitched from quality denim and translucent plastic. The plastic is pretty thick and crinkly so it will sound like you are wearing a diaper. Just tell people you aren’t wearing a diaper. Also, the plastic is not at all breathable, so you are going to sweat a ton and it’s going to drip into your underwear (provided you wear any). Luckily, these are shorts, so instead of the sweat sloshing around annoyingly, it will pour through the leg holes, but not before it looks like you pissed yourself.


“I got my girlfriend some Clear-Waisted Shorts and she loves them! Well, she’s learning to… it was tough after she wore them in the sun and the plastic melted to her skin.”

- Guy Riddler, Parasite Breeder

“I started wearing High-Waisted Shorts and I’ve never got so much attention in my life! But I think half of it was because I forgot to shave down there and it looked like I was smuggling a guinea pig farm.”

- Ellie Malm, Salami Aficionado

“I am always pushing new fashion and Clear-Waisted Shorts are next up! Plus, they are perfect for all of those classy ladies who want to show off their lower-back tribal tattoos!”

- Denise Cherry, Cuticle Collector


Women, if you do not compromise here, we (men) are going to cut the top 4 inches off of your high-rise garments. Take the deal.

Originally published at