Scratch That Niche

Many dejected but aspiring product-designers have griped the opportunities to create useful, novel products have vanished. “Everything has been invented already! It’s not fair!”, they say. But wrong, they are. As proof of the merits still exposed in our consumer markets, here are a couple necessary, innovative products that say “shut the fuck up!” to all of you hackneyed excuse-makers:

Kicking Jeans by Century

By Umberto Salvagnin (https://www.flickr.com/photos/kaibara/2756361218) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Well, sure, jeans containing 1% Elastane — so as to stretch — aren’t exactly novel anymore, but not until recently have denim pants been marketed exclusively to ninjas. The on-target Kicking Jeans by Century have piqued the interest of our common day combatants. In earlier times, when a ninja was challenged to a mid-day melee, unprepared, they had to be excused to transition from their everyday apparel into their respective martial garb. Now, with 30% more mobility, thanks to an almost-unique fabric composition and VariFlex Twinseam design, you don’t have to pack that extra bag for your BJJ Gi. All children want to be ninjas when grown-up. These jeans make it more possible than ever for our children to stealthily fulfill their dreams.

Suggested Marketing Slogans:

  • Kicking Jeans — Because Jeggings are for girls.
  • Kicking Jeans — Because Levi 511 Slim Fit Stretch Jeans don’t appeal exclusively to ninja-people.
  • Kicking Jeans — Kiai!

Beard Accessories by KRATO

Lumberjack-ish men love accessorizing. The overflowing beard trend will remain in fashion until GQ says so and to not take advantage of this fad to make a dick-ton of money would be largely idiotic. Remember all the trinkets on display by the beloved Jack Sparrow? Why leave that look in the fictional, Caribbean 1700’s? Now, rugged hipsters can express their overwhelming uniqueness through facial hair ornaments, thanks to KRATO Beard Accessories. This surprisingly successful Kickstarter campaign will spark a new wave of disbelief as the baubles become more prevalent. From displaying tiny shapes such as skulls and anchors in your roughage, your badass-ness will ascend to the pinnacle.

Suggested Marketing Slogans:

  • Beard Jewelry — Featured in a GQ article that made fun of us, but we still advertise “as seen in GQ!”
  • Beard Jewelry — Let our facial hair ornaments beg for attention for you
  • Beard Jewelry — It also fits in your pubes

So, before you conclude innovation has reached its limit and claim nothing will ever be the next Swiffer or Google, dive deeper into niche markets. Take a lateral approach to problem-solving. Consider the needs of our pretentious but utilitarian bearded-ninja population and you’re sure to strike gold.

Author: Samuel Crawford


Originally published at drunkcharity.org on October 17, 2016.