Milk & Cookies

Cookies that change the game up.

Pregnancy is a nightmare. If you have never done it, imagine having a goop-smothered alien-frog thing kicking your intestinal tract from the inside for nine months. Starting as just a blastopore, which is just an elegant word for “butthole” (seriously, humans are “deuterostomes” — look it up), it’s life depends on you to protect and nourish it until it tears its way through your privates, leaving your undercarriage resembling the open end of a tattered pillow case. Now, I have never been through a pregnancy, but I have been the alien-frog thing in this natural phenomenon and I can tell you firsthand that it was pretty grueling for whoever’s bubble hammock I was lounging in. It wasn’t easy for me either, frankly. I had barely any room to take selfies, no attachable light for my Gameboy, and the chewed-over food tasted like shit. It was a depressing time in my life and I remember it vividly, but I’m not here to steal the spotlight from expecting mothers. For the nine, grueling months that you have to lug around your alien-frog thing, it is imperative that you be overly-critical of your diet, which means excessive alcohol intake is absolutely out of the question. Even after the baby’s birth, dietary privileges do not resume. The breast milk must not be contaminated so alcohol consumption is still forbidden.

As a former alien-frog thing and contributor to a blog that caters content to alcohol-reliant philanthropists, I feel as though I am committing a major disservice, by way of exclusion, to the pregnant and breast-feeding population. So instead of ironically, and inappropriately, “tipping one back” to you, I have decided to help in the best way I can, by finding a really awesome food that you can add to your diet to help with your breast-feeding. The product I have found is not just some food, it is one of the all-time greats — Cookies.

Milk & Cookies have been a staple duo since the 1950’s in the US. The relationship between milk and cookie has been a textbook example in mutualistic symbiosis: the cookie is dunked in the milk to soften and gain adequate “sogginess” while the milk gains sweetness in form of sucrose. A company called “Milkmakers” has furthered this relationship by making Lactation Cookies — cookies that aid in increasing milk supply in breastfeeding mothers. The company sporting a logo consisting of a minimalistic, nippled “M” has used ingredients such as Oats, Brewer’s Yeast, and Flax Seed to increase breast milk production. With raving reviews, Milkmakers continues to build their customer base and keep our progeny suckling.

Although no one has yet invented a tequila that safely increases breast milk supply (while keeping it safe for alien-frog thing consumption), mothers can binge-smash cookies with a purpose. Another perk being, milk-producing cookies endorse the benefits of the original milk-cookie relationship; no more buying milk for your cookies when you can make it right at home.

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