Russia is Spring Break

By Central Intelligence Agency [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

It is beyond most folks why Russia hasn’t claimed a “Titan” status in the tourism industry . These frozen folks are known for their savory and imaginative cuisines, inordinate civil liberties, responsible trends in alcohol and drug use, and cool hats. As an almost-utopia, often overlooked by less-affluent, non-readers of Luxury Travel Magazine, this East Slavic country is owed some notoriety.

Spring is upon us and that means college students across America plan to bolt to one of the infamous spring break locations. Before you kids peel off your winter coats and book flights to one of those overrated, booze-law-heavy, has-been spots where your parents and their parents first learned to puke-and-rally, first consider what Russia has to offer. Spring-breaking is a very particular from of vacationing that is not traditionally relaxation-heavy; the popular demand for a spring break spot is one that promotes mildly savage behavior.

Spring breakers lust for binge drinking, imminent danger, vicious partying, coquettish dance clubs, monotonous vomiting, and perennial hangovers. In a vodka-soaked country, it would be impossible to exclude any of these favorable attributes; it is baffling why Russia’s resume’ has been undeniably overlooked by MTV’s spring break. Admittedly, the frigid weather may be a factor in this, but when you are drunk enough to brush-off an unprovoked punch to the face by your best friend, how difficult is it to handle negative thirty degree weather? Not hard at all. So let’s take a dive into Putin’s stomping grounds and see why Russia is the next hotbed for our nation’s next generation of ragers.

Russia dances around the top of the list for the most per capita annual alcohol consumption at 15.76 liters. Although they are not technically at the peak of global consumption, they primarily drink spirits, which bumps them up a few spots in terms of liver damage and party intensity. While most Americans have been downing 4 Loko chemical juice and a watered-down water drink called Natural Light, the East Slavs haven’t been nearly as “soft,” shooting straight vodka like seasoned sorority girls.

Customarily, in America, we order a single drink at the bar, finish it, and wait on the bartender for our refill. In Russia, they opt to purchase and entire bottle of Vodka so the waiting game is completely eliminated from the equation. The avenue in which they consume the vodka does not include frilly mixers or carbonated waters — they do shots. In a systematic, faultless pattern, a half-shot is poured every seven minutes. In a country where 52% of deaths between the ages of 15–54 are attributed to alcohol abuse, each seven-minute-shot is logically toasted “to good health!” Although Russians are infamous for their alcohol-heavy culture, they also have a savvy and resourceful recreational drug scene.

An injectable drug called “Krokodil,” earning its name from the scaly, gangrene-ish deterioration of users’ skin, has gotten rave reviews from the few people who are still alive after trying it. This intravenous drug, made from easily-purchased, over-the-counter pharmaceuticals and chemicals, produces a similar high to that of heroin, but for a tenth of the price, making a fantastic alternative for spring breakers traveling on a budget. Killing most users within 2 years, you will be able to truly live life by that “YOLO” mantra you have plastered on your tank top. But if the inevitable (but worth it) death of Krokodil isn’t enough of a thrill for you, Russians have made famous, via social media, a hobby appropriately-named, “Tower Climbing.”

Climbing and hanging from skyscrapers and industrial cranes is for the spring breakers that fancy playing on hotel balconies after 106 hours of binge drinking. Russians have risen the stakes a bit by simulating balance beam walks, performing acrobatics, and dead-hangning from sky-high rails in attempt to achieve the ultimate adrenaline rush. If your palms are sweating already, building-climbing might not be for you, in which case, you can keep shooting vodka and injecting laundry-detergent-laced codeine into your veins.

Kagor at the Ukrainian language Wikipedia [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons

At some point between shots of vodka, you’ve got to be responsible and take some time to eat. Russia has invented one cuisine that doubles as a dinner and dessert; they call it “Holodets.” Meat is good. Jello is good. Russians were sensical enough to combine these two delicacies, innovating a cuisine of shredding meat and putting it into a gelatinized salt bubble. Resembling a mutilated placenta but tasting like a mutilated placenta, the Holodet is a Russian symbol of delicious ingenuity. It’s main course-dessert combination design promotes efficiency so you waste very little time on health maintenance.

There you have it, kids. At this point, I am sure you are fully-convinced that Russia is the spring break spot for you this year. Round trip flights from Cedar Rapids, Iowa start at a modest $943 dollars -don’t waste time, book yours now!


Originally published at drunkcharity.org.

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