Virtual Reality Making Push To Render Actual Sex ‘Boring And Obsolete’

LIBERTY LAKE, WA—Twitching back to reality after a vigorous climax induced by a mermaid orgy in a floating lava pool, Chris Steiner, VR addict and test developer, explained, “VR is reinventing sex and we really need this. Sex has been the same shit for millions of years… and I can’t get a person to do it with me. I really need this.” Almost 98% of VR users have used their equipment for digital masturbatory activities, and 93% of those users are now completely desensitized to natural sex—which was all part of the plan for the dev team at Pitfall VR. “We won’t need regular, vanilla sex anymore now that we can hyper-stimulate users to quickly and creatively satisfy their carnal urges,” said CEO Tomi Shantz, continuing, “with our complete overhaul of intercourse, users can have sex with any creature: aliens, cyborgs, monsters, centaurs… angels, even, and it won’t upset the authorities or God because it is all CG.” Naturalists and religious folk have been resistant to development, agreeing that humans are running from the true purpose of sex and exploiting it for a hedonistic, unrequited love for pleasure. Advocates responded, “sex is supposed to be pleasurable; that’s why it exists.”

DISCLAIMER: This post is satire and was written for comedic purposes only. It may or may not use actual business names, in semi-real or mainly fictitious ways. This article is fiction, and undoubtedly fake news and if you are inclined to believe otherwise, leave. Any likeness to truth is purely coincidental, except for all references to businesses shown, in which case they are based on real businesses, but still rooted in fiction. This article is completely unaffiliated with any other satirical news source.