The SquidBest Way To Resolve Marital Conflicts: Yell At The Parts Of Spouse You See In Your ChildrenPANAMA CITY — “You are an awful piece of shit, partly! Everything about half of you makes me want to vomit!” Lillie Barton yelled at the…Jun 28, 2017Jun 28, 2017
The SquidDesperate Bar Guy Proves Too Drunk For HookupST. LOUIS — “Be solid and strong! Proud and unyielding! You are a forceful groin oxe! A powerful underwear buffalo! Now end your droopy…Jun 26, 2017Jun 26, 2017
The SquidEnergy Engineers Design ‘Toilet Turbine’ To Convert The Kinetics Of Your Waste Into Electrical…SAN FRANCISCO — Forcing every trickle of urine from his recently overworked urethra, key investor, Marv Hoagie, bragged, “I’ve been…Jun 23, 2017Jun 23, 2017
The SquidDismantled Confederate Statue Being Melted Down And Sold As Belt BucklesNEW ORLEANS — “I’m so sorry I have to burn you down to lava goop, but I’ll be proudly wearing you over my loins soon enough, General sir,”…Jun 22, 2017Jun 22, 2017
The SquidStudies Show America Is A Nation Of Couch Potatoes; Americans Protest PotatoesBIRMINGHAM — As a mob of angry couch-riders violently peeled potatoes in protest outside of the research center at the University of…Jun 21, 2017Jun 21, 2017
The SquidStudies Show America Is A Nation Of Couch Potatoes; Americans Protest CouchesEVERYWHERE, USA — After successfully wrangling in a TV table tray with a lasso created from linked shoe laces, Sean Coffey, a perfectly…Jun 20, 2017Jun 20, 2017
The SquidPassive Aggressive Sister Buys Nephew Loudest Toy PossibleJACKSONVILLE — Basking in the deafening chaos of a multicolored, mic’d-up xylophone rigged with rape whistles and a car alarm, Sally…Jun 19, 2017Jun 19, 2017
The SquidMan Wrongfully Accused In Murder Case, Spends 26 Years In CoffinKANSAS CITY—Freshly exhumed and gasping for air untainted by the stench of his own marinading body odor, Steven Adler broke out into what…Jun 15, 2017Jun 15, 2017
The SquidMelania Trump Moves Into White House After Finalization Of Bedroom-Dividing LineWASHINGTON, DC — “Two more!” demanded Melania as she scrutinized the blueprints for a stronghold of armoires acting as a physical barrier…Jun 14, 2017Jun 14, 2017
The SquidDespite Global Distaste, Grandma Puts More Candy Corn In Glass DishJAMESTOWN — “My grandkids love sugary treats, so I make sure to fill my candy dish whenever their parents make them come visit me,” said…Jun 13, 2017Jun 13, 2017