Trigger warning: This talks about suicide and self abuse. I also want to state that I am NOT in danger to myself but this is what happens when you allow yourself to hit rock bottom and not ask for help. If you or someone you know is considering suicide, call 911 immediately. Your life is worth more than you know.
What it’s like to struggle?
It’s waking up every morning and staring at your ceiling or your wall. It’s talking to yourself for minutes to hours before finally pulling yourself out of bed. It’s making yourself open every pill bottle to take the pills you need to cope with the day. It’s making yourself take a foot out your bedroom door and looking at your family, and try to be a human and wear that mask. It’s making yourself get dressed, drive your car, and deal with society. A good majority of the time you have your best friend to help you. Maybe a partner if you have one. But what do you do when the one person you could count on has not once, not twice, but three times disappeared from your life?
See I have this problem. Having a mental illness is hard to cope with and hard for others to cope with you having. It takes times and patience to deal with someone who has a mental illness. I have severe depression and anxiety, I’m bipolar, and I have PTSD. I’m quick to shoving people away. It’s just something I do and I don’t even realize it.
I was off my medication for a little bit and it wasn’t my intentions to be. I ran out and my insurance thought it would be cute to hold back my medication. I went nearly a month without it. During that month I hit several manic and depressive episodes. I went from “I love my life” to “I want to die” in 3 seconds with ways of trying to figure that out. I broke down and did self harm, broke 69 days of sobriety from alcohol, and above all; I lost my best friend.
She was also my ex girlfriend who I will openly and honestly admit I still had feelings for. But when pushing came to shoving, she let me shove her out of my life. We had a blow up, but when it happened she had no idea that I was in a severe depressive episode. The morning it happened I was already considering ending my life. But when the texts came in, and we yelled at one another and I said things I regret; for each text I punished myself.
What was 19 cuts on me became 20…21…22…23…and before long it was 50. I was hating myself for everything. But at the end of our texts she said a lot that hit me really hard, and the guilt poured over me. All it took was one text for her to make me wrap a belt around my neck.
So what stopped me? Why am I here posting this? Because while texting her, I was texting my best friend who is like a brother to me. Before I could even take the belt and secure it, tighten it, or kick the stool out from under me he made me realize that my actions would severely impact him and my current girlfriend. And that no matter the pain my ex girlfriend was putting me theough, it wasn’t enough and that by me ending my life would hurt him and my girlfriend more than anything.
I didn’t tell my girlfriend what I was doing, she doesn’t even know now. But since my ex girlfriend has walked out of my life for the third time, I’m having to find how to cope again. She was my coping skill. And in a sense, she was like a caregiver. But now me and my girlfriend are able to really focus on us. My ex was hindering a lot. My girlfriend suffers from a mental illness as well. So we understand each other on a personal level. Yet one thing I do know is, I’ve known this beautiful woman for 8 years now and we have been through a lot together. And when I came out of the hospital in December from a week’s stay (also where my ex decided to help me get in but also ended everything the first go round) my now girlfriend was there for me. She has helped me through so much so far and I couldn’t ask for anything better and the one thing I love about her is, I have tried to push her away, again not realizing and instead of her walking out, she shoves right back. She pins me down and makes me realize that I won’t lose her. And seeing her smile and eyes as she stares at me makes me surrender to her.
So, what is it like to struggle?
Sometimes just getting out of bed and breathing is enough for someone to say, “Hey, you’re going to be alright. You did good today. Don’t worry, I still love you and we will get through this together.”