In My Bathroom: Products Pt. 1

Okay, no one asked for this. Not a single person has ever tackled me and demanded to know my magic ways of caring for my hair or skin. In fact, I am not really one for “routine”. Like, I barely remember to take vitamins on the daily. But recently, I spent a week relaxing alone (for the most part) and essentially became bored enough every morning and evening to actually stick to a routine of sorts. And after a week of regular use, ya know what, it seemed to work! My skin felt healthier, my hair was manageable, and life felt good. In an effort to spread some gospel and hear what other wizardly products I am missing out on from my friend-internet-circle, here’s the sh!t I love putting on my face (and hair).

My I-WOKE-UP-LIKE-THIS Product Pack

Also note that I am a) super frugal cheap-o lady so please don’t judge me for not buying $80 serum for my earlobes b) of a caucasian persuasion c) do not have sensitive skin, although my battle with adult-acne a couple times a year is real and d) have crazy thick hair that seems to do whatever the hell it wants to.

RIGHT — -> LEFT (Because I took this photo incorrectly, apparently)

  1. Softee Coconut Oil Hair & Scalp Conditioner ~$2: Once upon a time, I read a beauty post and someone recommended this stuff. I looked it up and was all “hey — this is at CVS and costs nothing”. But of course, I forgot to purchase it. Thankfully, I mentioned it to my sister who knows me all too well and bought it for me. (It should be mentioned that she has Disney Princess Hair™ and I have… this:
This photo is from 2008, so that’s why I look like a toddler. Also, it’s a polaroid. Because I’m so vintage.

It should also be noted, that along with all that volume, comes the dreaded curse of dandruff. So I got that going for me too.)

Anyhow, this product is thick. Not just a gel, but like clear gooey tar. I’ve found that I can’t just put some through the dry mane and go for it — or else it will make me look like I’ve dipped my head in olive oil. Instead, I use it to smooth down my hair when it’s damp and just getting to that frizz place I know and hate so much. Plus, it hydrates the scalp for that whole dandruff problem. My boyfriend has started to use it in leiu of his regular gel because it’s less… crispy? when dry. It also says that it ‘rejuvenates strong hair growth’ so I think he is secretly using it to strengthen his hairline as well. Go for it, boo. Oh and it smells like a vacation we can’t afford right now. So there’s that.

2. Arbonne Re9 Advanced Regenerating Toner $36: I’ve never been one to use toner. I have heard of it’s mythical properties, I had heard of it whispered in Sephoras and sorority gatherings. Everyone else seemed to have a secret relationship with it that I just didn’t understand. Well, now I do. This lil vile of love is a quick spritz to the face (which is fun to do anyway, right? SPRITZ YOUR FACE!) and ta-da! Fresssssh. Now, the key to toner, I’ve come to realize, is that you also need to have moisturizer and other stuff. Because this industry is a f*$%ing racket.

THAAAAAANKS MOM

3. Arbonne RE9 Advanced Instant Lift Gel ~$40: Truth be told, I swiped this from my mom. She’s going to kill me… I had no idea it was that expensive. Sorry! But it feels so good. I only put this light gel on places I can foresee wanting to literally “lift” later in life. I imagine the doctors from the disturbing show Botched (by E!… of course) hovering over my shoulder and nodding with creepy approval. So mostly under the eyes, the t-zone and some under my chin… because… neck-fat. Little goes a long way here, and now that I know it’s $5 for a peas-worth, I promise to use sparingly. I assume using this will clear out the nightmares I’ve had since I saw Brandi Glanville on the Real Housewives reunion. (I was going to add a photo of her in here, but I didn’t want to scare anyone away)

4. Aveeno POSITIVELY RADIANT® Daily Moisturizer — $17: My shower caddy looks like the Aveeno shelf of your local CVS. It seems to be my go-to option when I need bath & body products. I had tried a couple of their other moisturizers before and wasn’t impressed. This one, however, is really nice to me. IMPORTANT NOTE HERE: There is a process to this. First is the toner — spritz! Spritz! *Wait 2 minutes* Then there’s the lift gel — dab! Dab! *Wait 4 minutes* And finally, smear it all with this good stuff. Ya gotta play by the rules, people. It’s part of the game. Oh, and it’s even got some SPF in it, which makes me feel less guilty when I romp in the sun praying for a tan.

5. RoC® RETINOL CORREXION® Deep Wrinkle Night Cream: This is one of those products that my mother, god bless, gives to me every year for Easter, Christmas, birthday, Costco run, etc. She swears by it. In fact, I think if she could, she would bathe a vat of it, like a Queen, every night — restoring her youth and beauty. Clearly, it works. Because she looks 37. I like that it’s not too oily and doesn’t leave my face smelly-gross (at least, my boyfriend hasn’t complained? Maybe that’s his “thing”… who knows). The other Mother-pearl-of-wisdom she bestowed upon me was to ALWAYS take off your makeup before bed. So this is my face-treat for remembering to do that. Also, waking up with raccoon eyes and greasy foundation on my pillow is not my favorite way to start the day, amiright?!


That’s what I got, for now. I’d love to hear what products I’m missing out on and “WILLCHANGEMYLIFE”. But as of today, these are the five products I’ve been using that make me feel thismuch better about my skin and hair.

Kisses.

And yes. That is the same top as the photo with my mother. Deal with it.

Please don’t judge the dirty mirror.

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