In Praise of the Clintons’ Moments of Honesty

For years Hillary Clinton has not been able to escape accusations and instances of dishonesty. Her critics focus on details such as when she told a private audience of Wall Street Bankers that her “public” policy hides her actual policy, something she apparently reveals only to billionaires who pay her [$$$] to “speak.”

Nit pickers also pick on superficial aspects of her demeanor calling it wooden and contrived but that is unfair. She is a very serious professional and it is difficult for her to fake authenticity.

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“This is my shocked face. I did not know that was going to happen!”

Many critics tried to say her famous shimmy during her first debate was scripted instead of real joy at seeing how Trump seemed to be failing so bigly. I’m happy to rise to her defense here to explain that her shimmy was genuine. With Trump’s inability to find any verbs to fit into his outbursts he thinks are sentences, Clinton’s body shuddered from experiencing her first (and last) presidential orgasm. “Bill was right. Those ARE GOOD.”

Clinton’s antagonists were gleeful when she refused to say she is always honest but then the public was pacified when she let Stephen Colbert ask again and she responded with, “I will say yes.” She was literally saying she refused to answer now but someday she’ll say yes.(She never did) The Supreme Court of the United States accepts this technical jargon as part of the legal strategy refered to as, “Haha. My fingers were crossed.”

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Speaking of presidential orgasms, Bill Clinton was truly gifted at faking authenticity. Many of us swooned when he whispered his hit single “I feel your pain,” to children while slashing their lunch programs and sending their parents to jail for sharing a joint in the woods next to the white frat boys puking expensive vodka onto the kids.

Most of the doubt about Bill Clinton’s honesty stems from his slippery tactics defending himself amidst the Monica Lewinsky scandal. However, in his taped deposition, he accidently revealed an honest reaction that disproves the biggest myth of his presidency. The truth is that the famous White House cigar never did have sexual relations with that women. This video shows his annoyed boredom from repeatedly invoking his right to remain silent while the prosecutor tries not to giggle with school-yard questions such as, “Did you ever put your hand under her bra? Were her breasts throbbing?”

The dramatic change happens when the prosecutor asks Clinton if he steamed a cigar in Lewinsky’s humidor. His reaction shows his innocence, or maybe just the cigar’s innocence.

Clinton’s series of microexpressions illustrate the rocky 2-second journey his emotions tumble through. He first enjoys a burst of titillation from the image of the soggy sucker but his eyebrows collapse when he remembers that this microporn will be on public record. We can see his pain expand and face shrink as he sees more and more implications: the headlines, his opponents’ power surge from the shocking details, the condemnation from Hillary and her own humidor, whom she calls Appletini. ||Editor’s note: Check if Humador Appletini can sue us for revealing her code name||

Next comes exasperation as he desperately wants to blurt out, “Ok! That one is bull pucky, for real!” Then dispair silences him as his inner lawyer tells him to stay on script or he will never again see the White House vulvarium.

Finally, his sad face shows his realization that his historic legacy will leave generations of Americans wondering how much of the cigar got squeezed and how did that affect its taste. To this day, many worry about Lewinski’s lady health and taste.

The new evidence shows that while Bill Clinton might be a horndog, he is not as invasive as we feared. Union regulations require me to finish this kind of annectdote with a technically accurate cliche like “Close, but no cigar.”

||Editor’s note: The Clintons’ struggle with honesty will continue for decades so I won’t even try to write a conclusion here. I guess our next in the series will be about Chelsea preparing to splash onto the scene by researching how people her age behave when happy. ||

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HD says ambiguity is the most misunderstood artform. Who’s the sucker now?

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