The Anatomy of an Apology
The anatomy of an apology is quite simple. It consists of four steps:
1. Recognition of a slight or wrongdoing.
2. Reflection upon said slight or wrongdoing.
3. Regret/remorse for causing slight or committing wrongdoing.
4. Expression of regret or remorse that shows the apologizer takes responsibility for the hurtful actions.
That is it. Nothing more, nothing less. Though the anatomy may be simple, the process is often challenging. Apologizing is hard. It can feel physically difficult to spit the words out. Who wants to be wrong? Who wants to admit that something they said or did hurt someone? People do not enjoy being viewed negatively. Unfortunately, we are all imperfect beings, so we all experience our moments of poor decisions and behavior. How one goes about apologizing frequently determines if amends can be made.
Internal Work
Speed plays a factor with apologies, and it varies depending on the scenario. Blurting out “I’m sorry” after being caught lying to your significant other does not have the same effect as those same words would after accidentally stepping on someone’s foot. It takes time to recognize what harm has been caused. Beyond recognizing that you upset someone, you must determine why the person is upset and, most importantly, how you feel about the situation. Understanding your feelings is crucial because you need to determine if you feel genuine remorse. If you feel no remorse upon reflection. . .
DO NOT APOLOGIZE.
To do so would be inauthentic and likely cause additional harm. So, take your time in identifying how you messed up and determine how you feel about it well before you open your mouth.
Apologizing is Not About You
Justification has no place in an apology. Allow me to repeat this: JUSTIFICATION HAS NO PLACE IN AN APOLOGY. When you apologize, you need to own what you did, full stop. Here is an example: “I am sorry that I snapped at you. You did not deserve that, and I need to be better about how I speak to you. I am sorry.” With this apology, full responsibility is taken by the offender and remorse is expressed unequivocally. Now, let’s muck that apology up: “I’m sorry that you made me snap at you like that. Next time you make me mad, I’ll try to be the bigger person.” With this example, the responsibility is placed on the person who was offended instead of the offender taking the responsibility. This is a quick and easy way to intensify a disagreement and worsen a situation, plus it shows that the offender is either insincere about being remorseful or fails to understand the problem in the first place.
Do Not Qualify and Never Distract
We tend to want to explain away our bad behavior when apologizing, often blaming it on outside forces beyond our control. Resist this urge. When people are upset with you, they get to decide if they want to hear why you did something. That is their choice, not yours, and your explanation is secondary to their pain. No matter how strong the urge to validate and justify yourself is, bite the bullet and wait for permission to do so. If given the opportunity, do not deflect with something that has nothing to do with the situation at hand (remember Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein’s initial apologies?). Address your misdeed without mixing in outside, unrelated factors.
An Apology is an Offering
Get this through your head right now: There is no requirement for anyone to accept your apology. No matter how remorseful, sincere, or beautifully stated the apology is, the recipient gets to choose what to do with it. The offended party may very well decide that the offense caused irreparable damage, rendering the apology null and void in their eyes. It could be that the injured party needs some time to work though thoughts and emotions, similar to the work you had to do to apologize. Give them the space to do so. Apologize, then accept that the recipient has the final say about it being acceptable or not.
Hopefully you do not find yourself needing to apologize too often. When you do, make sure that you make the effort to do it right. Thoughtful, genuine apologies close open wounds. Anything less leaves opportunities for additional pain, suffering, and resentment. Make sure that your apology means something.
André Vaughn is the Founder and Wordsmith of The Verbal Effect, a writing service that focuses on capturing your audience’s attention and creating more meaningful conversations. For inquiries, email him at andre@theverbaleffect.com. Follow The Verbal Effect on Facebook and Instagram!
