10 months ago I became a mum (yay!), and it’s actually been much better than I anticipated. Having a baby is a gift — everyone says that. What they don’t tell you is that it comes with a bunch of other smaller gifts you didn’t ask for. I call them parenting superpowers. You don’t have to be bitten by a radioactive baby to get them: every parent gets these supernatural abilities automatically. Here are the five superpowers I gained being a mum.
Super Speed
Being a canonical phlegmatic and a veeery lazy person, I am notoriously slow. Used to be anyway, because now I have to do everything quickly. It used to take me easily over an hour to get ready. Now I can’t afford that. Sure, I may be skipping the less important rituals like doing my eyebrows, trying on multiple outfits, finding matching accessories or spraying on perfumes. But I did learn to fit the basics of looking good into a 20-minute getting ready routine. Also, when I hear my baby boy crying or see him leaning over the edge of the bed, I rush to him with the speed of light. Eat your heart out, Quicksilver!
Time Management
People ask me: “How do you have the time to take care of an infant, be a freelance writer and post regularly to your personal blog?” I usually answer that I get a lot of help from my mum and husband. But that’s a lie! I have a super time management ability! It is actually pretty easy to acquire, no Eye of Agamotto needed. All you have to do is have a baby. Seriously, it’s a major productivity booster! When you know you only have an hour while he sleeps, you manage to pack a whole day’s work into that hour.
Probability Manipulation
When I enter a room, I instantly detect all the sharp angles, sockets, plants, slippers, pets and other potential baby hazards. Then I try to eliminate these objects, which are as dangerous for my son as they are attractive for him. That’s how I, like the Scarlet Witch, manipulate probability — the probability of my baby hurting himself.
Inhuman Strength
Sure, I can carry a (not-too-heavy) shopping bag from the supermarket, but I was never a particularly strong person. At the gym I am pathetic, being able to do just a couple of situps with a maximum weight of 7 lbs. But my son is a heavy kid, and he just keeps getting heavier. This is where my super strength kicks in. I never thought that I’d be manipulating over 22 pounds/10 kilos in a single hand or pushing a 26-pound/12-kilo-stroller up the hill with a weighty kid in it, but here I am. And I know She-Hulk-moms who don’t even have a ramp or an elevator in their buildings. Now that’s impressive!
Uncanny Patience
Of all the superheroes I know, no one has this superpower. Only me. I have always been a pretty patient person, but being a mum gave me super patience! I mean, had anyone else walked on my face at night, shat in my hand or demanded to grab my boob in the street, I’d tell them where to go and what to do with themselves. But this is a guy I really like! So, I take a deep breath and remind myself that he is just a baby now and will gradually stop being such a mess-making-always-hungry-never-sleeping little mischievous monkey.
I think that for all the hardships and difficulties of raising kids, parents should be granted individual superhero statuses. I guess my name would be Captain Pregnancy (insert a cape and heroic music here). All joking aside, being a parent does require supernatural abilities, and your kids are incredibly lucky to have you as their favorite superheroes.
