That Dark Place

I’ve been wanting to write about depression for a while now. It’s a subject that is very dear to me on a personal level. It just so happens that I’m in the midst of an acute depressive episode right now. Depression flirts in and out of society’s consciousness, but for individuals who suffer from depression it is always there, like a cloud that never goes away.

When I try to explain my depression (which is recent because like most people suffering from depression I did not know how to talk about my disease, and most of the time did not want to talk about it) to other people it can be frustrating trying to get them to understand what it is like to deal with this problem. Some people will ask why I’m sad. Depression isn’t sadness though. When someone is sad it is because something has happened to hurt them on an emotional level. My depression is not an emotional thing. If anything depression removes my emotions entirely and I just feel empty and separate from the world around me. To me, sadness and depression are in no way related at all. If I am sad, I can normally determine what has made me feel that way. Depression has no source, no reason.

Having depression is frustrating beyond comprehension, especially for someone like me who is generally happy and positive most of the time. My depression comes out of nowhere, usually without warning. I can wake up one morning and just be off, or even worse, I could be in the middle of my day and unexpectedly become depressed. I do not know why this happens and I constantly try to think my way through it. But that’s the thing, depression isn’t logical, just like it isn’t emotional. No matter how hard I try to rationalize all the reasons I have to happy about, I still cannot get out of my depressive episodes. It’s infuriating, especially for someone who values logic about all else.

I can’t make any sense of my depression, so I do my best to accept it and find healthy ways of dealing with it whenever I can. Depression is not easy to deal with for anyone, the person affected and the people surrounding them. I know that my depression has negatively affected several of my personal relationships, especially those that existed before I fully understood what was wrong with me. Now that I have a better grasp of how my depression affects me, I can better communicate how I feel to the people around me. A big part of me coming to grips with my condition is therapy. It really has done wonders for my life over the past few years. I know that therapy does not work for everyone, just like medication does not work for me. But it is so important to find some type of help.

Not everyone suffers from depression, but everyone can be affected by depression. More people should be talking about this disease. It shouldn’t be something that comes in and out of society’s focus. But that’s just me though.

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