Dear Mom and Dad — An open letter to my parents

I admit that when I started writing, I didn’t think much of what my parents would say. Honestly, I knew that I was writing about stuff that could potentially open wounds and make them relieve a time in our lives when our relationships weren’t the best.

I have made a great effort to improve my relationship with my parents over the past few years. There were times in my life when I was scared to tell them I was feeling sad and depressed again. I thought they would panic and be disappointed.

After I published last week’s post, I got very emotional responses from both of them. They weren’t discouraging messages. They were actually very supportive and loving. But I started feeling guilty about writing so openly about my story because this story is also theirs. I felt selfish for not telling their side of the story too and for not giving them enough credit for all the efforts they made to get me healthy.

So today, I want to write something for them. An open letter to my parents. A collection of words I wish I could say out loud but I haven’t been able to.

Dear mom and dad,

I feel like I’ve been writing this for years. I’ve been finding word by word as I learn how to communicate and speak about who I am and how I feel. These conversations we’ve had in the last couple of weeks I’ve been waiting to have since I was a teenager, but I can see they weren’t meant to happen back then.

First, I want to tell you I love you both. I’m the first one to admit I wasn’t an easy kid to raise. I was often pushing you back and ignoring your efforts to connect with me and help me find some light in the darkness I was in. I want you to know I don’t blame you for my depression. As I’ve come to understand it, I know it would have hit me at some point in my life regardless of my environment. I know I was meant to go through this journey to find myself, to find these words and come out stronger.

Mom, I know you put a lot of weight on your shoulders for moving away. At the time I didn’t understand your reasons, and I grew angry at you for it. I’m sorry for all those times I turned you away not knowing you were going through the same kind of pain I was. I’m sorry for closing up and not listening to your attempts to stay connected. I missed you so much.

I know you’ve seen a change in the past few years and I want you to know, I don’t hold anything against you. I let go of the anger, the confusion, and the sadness. I see parts of yourself in me, and I love them and embrace them. Even if you were far, you were still with me. I don’t blame you for anything and neither should you.

Dad, you were my lifesaver. I would’ve drowned if you hadn’t pulled me out so many times. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to see me shutting down a little more every day. I know you always act with my well being in mind. I’m sorry for all the times I closed my door and didn’t let you in. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you and the times I lied.

I know my mental health impacted you immensely and this journey took a toll on you too. I thank you for your patience and understanding. Thank you for all the nights you came rushing into my room when I woke up screaming in tears. Thank you for being my rock.

I wouldn’t change any of it, not even the ugly and painful parts. All of this has brought me here today, has brought us here today. And as I keep working on myself, I’ll keep working on my relationship with you.

I know I’ve never been alone, and I never will.

I love you.