We've All Got A Story To Tell

The Way She Runs
Sep 3, 2018 · 3 min read

I’ve written this over and over again. I’ve wanted to share this for a long time. I keep getting closer to the line, but I seem to be unable to make myself cross it.

Maybe today is the day I actually do it. Maybe today is the day I finally give myself permission to share.

I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I’m in constant battle with myself over my self-worth, my appearance, and my capabilities. My days consist of trying to find a balance between the forces that keep pulling in opposite directions inside my head.

There have been times when there’s no balance, and I’ve been consumed by pain, self-destruction, and darkness. I’ve felt depleted, my energy entirely spent on basic tasks. I’ve felt unmotivated and numb to the outside world.

But there’s also been periods of time when I’ve felt unstoppable. I’ve felt enough in my own body. I’ve felt energized and filled with potential. I’ve felt alive and grateful to experience all my emotions in full force.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do to gain balance is learning to put into words my inner battle. Before I found the words to match my feelings, I was unable to talk about my depression, and as a result, I lost friends and some relationships turned sour. For the longest time, I was scared of what people’s reaction would be if I told them. I thought they would feel sorry for me and they would think I was weak. I understand now that depression is my weakness only when I don’t talk about it or when I try to hide it.

Even as I write this for what it must be at least the 5th time, I have to push through the part of me that’s scared of talking about having depression. Even though I know I gain more from talking about it than not, I still have to convince myself that it’s okay to do so.

I have learned how to communicate through therapy and talking about it with other people. I tried being open about my mental health journey with my closest friends, and I have received more love and support than I ever thought I would. Some of the words I use to describe my depression, I got from my friends’ own stories about their mental health. Listening to them made me realize I’m not alone and mental health affects more people than I thought it did. I would have never known they were struggling too if I didn’t open up about my own journey.

I got diagnosed when I was 13, I’m now 28. I’m just now finally getting some understanding of how my brain works, what triggers me, what my symptoms are, etc.

I have learned a lot about myself and made a lot of progress on my journey in the last year. I want to give myself the chance of being me every step of the way, with all the good and the bad. Part of that is embracing what my story is and being able to share it without fear of being judged or feeling broken.

This is my attempt at documenting my journey for myself and for other people who might need permission to talk about their own struggle.

The Way She Runs

Written by

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade