Hello Michelle Tea,
I started writing a response this morning. I am not even half way through it and I copied and pasted it onto a word document, and I have 10 pages written. Unbelievable. So I decided, I’m just gonna do this again and get right to the point. My last hit of crack was April 28, 2007. I did relapse one day on October 3rd, 2007 and have never done it again. I did crack from December 26 until April 28. 2007 and it cost me our convenience store ($70,000 to purchase — lost it all) + the inventory ($30,000) for which I used to buy the crack. I also spent about $15,000 on the crack from our savings. It was an expensive habit that grew out of control in a matter of days.
I then began, no thanks to some small coercing from my brother-in-law, to do crystal meth in July (or so) of 2012 and took my last hit on the pipe on January 26, 2014. (I will come back to this story shortly)
Finally, I got drunk for the first time at 13 in 1977. I took my last drink of alcohol on September 26, 2010. I did have to go to rehab twice that year. I was not mandated by the courts, I just new I needed help and couldn’t do it by myself.
Now, let’s move go to April of 2019. No I didn’t use that day. However, I was totally sober, I guarded all my sobrieties with the utmost care. I made sure I didn’t eat foods that were cooked in wine or some alcohol, I didn’t eat candies that had alcohol, I was vigilant. I knew/know all my triggers for the drugs, where I did it, how I did it, (I rarely did the drugs with anyone else) and I avoided these places as much as possible. I even avoided music that were triggers for me. Guns’N Roses, Metallica, AC/DC, etc…. I worked my sobriety. I am also diagnosed with severe clinical depression. So I was down to taking only 1 anti-depressant a day and no longer using anti-anxiety pills. I’d come a long way. I didn’t relapse. Thank goodness.
To say I didn’t love what the drugs & alcohol did to me, is like saying Donald Trump is not the POTUS on this November 4th, 2019. I loved it. I never denied it. I simply didn’t like what the drugs did to my family, my finances and how it made me feel once these things were in jeopardy. The stress, the anxiety, the sadness, the pain, the anger, the self-loathing, etc…..
My wife, had to go to Montreal Canada for work in June for 10 days. I don’t know what came over me, but even before she was gone, I’d already dug up my brother-in-law’s number (wasn’t sure if it was even the right one) and the moment she was gone, I took $300, called him up and within a few hours I was smoking some crystal meth all over again. UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE. In hindsight, it’s hard to imagine I did that. Well, once that lot was done, I was back at it for another $300. I made sure it was all done before my returned home. Well, aside from a few days of some serious hiding under the blankets beneath that fucking dark hole one sinks into after not using, I managed to get back on track. It was a blessing that is was only twice that I went out and got some and that I’d stopped.
For the next 3 months all was OK. I didn’t give it too much thought, because I would have started feeling depressed as that was my very first relapse of any kind in 5 1/2 years. How could I have thrown all that fucking hard work away. 5 1/2 fucking years. So I did, what I do best. I put it behind me and I wasn’t gonna give it a second thought.
My 55th birthday came around on September 21. These nice friends of ours that we met through my daughter’s TaeKwon Do classes invited us over for lunch/dinner that day. They asked me what I wanted and I’d been there before and saw their little nostalgic Juke Box that is equipped with modern tyechnology. It also has the Spotify app. So jokingly I said well, we’ll go under one condition that we listen to hard rock that day. I didn’t even think about what I said. All day, all evening, my favorite bands, including Ozzy Osbourne, all those old and hard rock songs, Metallica, Gunners with Welcome to the Jungle, and so on. It was heaven. It was beautiful, unbeknownst to me, it was dangerous. VERY FUCKING dangerous. My trigger had been pulled but I wouldn’t realize it, until about a week later. I came home from my overnight shift, everyone was at school and work, and I suddenly remembered there was this itsy bitsy tiny little bit of meth in the pipe, the white residue that was still there and for which I hadn’t thrown out (the pipe specifically) that I suddenly wanted to have …………………… and I did just that. I smoked that little bit. VERY little bit. Enough, to ignite my fire, my desire, my need, my want, to open pandora’s box, to allow evil to come out.
I wasn’t gonna do crack. That is just too dangerous. I didn’t know where to go to get anymore Meth, as I had thrown out my in-laws number. However, I remembered from my crack days that in downtown brampton (a 20 minute drive from my house) it was easy to get drugs. It was the part of town, that you could possibly score. For sure crack, but I didn’t know about meth. So I got in the truck and drove. FUCK. I was now in relapse mode. That feeling where you won’t listen to reason, to your mind that is saying it’s wrong, leave, get out. It took 2 hours. I didn’t find any meth, but I did score some coke. Aaaaaaaaah yes! Coke my party drug. So I thought. I’d never had issues with coke like I did with meth, crack and/or alcohol. Although, I did do my fair share — I must say. Anyhow, I managed to score. I remember those first 2 lines. Fuck! My 2 front teeth froze. The taste in the back of my throat was amazing. And I talked, texted, wrote anywhere I could. I just had sooooooooooooooooo much to say.
Well that was approximately September 28th, and we are now November 4th, and I am still using — from that time. I am getting scared. Actually, I am getting very scared. I don’t want to say I have a problem, however, I am having difficulty of letting it go. I get anxious when I am nearly done my lot, as I am battling the I have to stop; Oh but I just need one more buy; After this one I’m done, etc….. Just on and on and on this conversation goes in my head and for no reason because I just send a quick text and it’s time to rock. I’m really have a hard time right now. I am struggling.
I haven’t told my wife yet, as I have not spent a huge amount of money, as I have been spreading it out everywhere. So nothing is showing up yet. If I continue, it eventually will. That dark hole that comes after will only be worse also and suck me in longer. Dam. Dam. Dam.
I know what you will tell me Michelle. Get help. Or I think that is what you will tell me. I’m just confused — I want help and I’m afraid to let go. It’s a huge tug-of-war in my head. Any words of advice? Please?Michelle? Anyone?
I have an amazing family, a wife that makes WonderWoman look like the evil witch in Snowhite, 2 amazing girls both living at home (13 & 26) and yet, this drug is also a very powerful attraction/sensation as well. I’m feeling very weak, ashamed that I was weaker than the temptation or that I fell to temptation, I feel embarrassed, I want to tell them, the pressure is so high and strong, dam it. I’ll figure it out.
