How to win the children’s wardrobe wars: 5 key take-aways from Taylor Says No!
By Coral Lindt
I’ve seen a few wardrobe tantrums in my time as an Auntie and during my years working with children, but I’ve never met a fussy dresser that couldn’t be appeased. I wrote my first children’s picture book Taylor Says No! from experience rather than research, but there’s a lot of useful articles and studies which unpack some of the keys to the problem. I touch on some of them here, so if you have a clothing diva on your hands, take heart! There can be an end to your children’s wardrobe wars!
1. Developmental milestones are the root of the problem — congratulations, your child is growing up!
I have deliberately left Taylor’s age a mystery in the book, because the truth is, some children can go through clothing tantrums at different ages, and some may not have them at all.
Any of three factors could be in play.
Firstly, Brownell, Zerwas, and Ramani have concluded that at the end of a child’s second year they begin to understand their bodies as three dimensional objects in space, (1). Children often show an understanding of themselves as an individual from the age of about one, in behaviour such as answering to their own name, recognising themselves in mirrors and photos, pointing to their own bodies when referring to themselves, and using words like ‘mine’ when referring to their belongings, (1).
This concept of an individual physical self grows into a sense of individual identity and an awareness of themselves and their desires. Children at this age start to express personal preferences in relation to what they want to eat, wear and do. For some, clothing preferences begin at this age.
Secondly, as children start to get a taste for expressing their wishes they soon find they have a limited sphere of influence. Jessica Grose points out in her insightful article that clothing is one of the few avenues children have for expressing their autonomy, which is a stage of psychosocial development according to psychologist Eric Erickson (2). Children need support to develop confidence in making decisions, in order to overcome the shame and self doubt associated with this milestone. I’ve met children who simply want to dress themselves, and don’t have much concern for what they are wearing. Others care deeply about their self image and insist on clothing that supports it.
Finally, some children have an aversion to certain textures — scratchy wool, slimey satin — and will react badly when asked to wear them. These reactions are sometimes linked to autism spectrum, (3).
As any parent of a wardrobe diva knows, children are not always rational, but the loving and patient guidance of their parents during this tricky stage can make a world of difference to children’s success and belief in their ability to make good decisions.
2. Why do children make such a BIG fuss?
In Taylor Says No! our heroine tantrums with the same words over and over (“NO, I DON’T LIKE IT!”). Children learn new words by speaking and interacting with their parents and carers, through play and through stories. The Victorian State Government of Australia puts the vocabulary of a 2 year old at 300 words, and quotes Hart and Risley’s (1995) claim that the quality of vocabulary children are exposed to when they are very young has an impact on their achievement in middle primary school years (4). Parents and carers can help their child express themselves appropriately by interacting with them in ways that build their vocabulary and help them express their choices, by reading topical stories and discussing them, and by discussing their opinions when shopping or viewing clothing in movies or advertisements.
If you think this will simply open a floodgate of words that may make your child even more difficult to deal with in everyday life, there is a principle that many experts advise: allow the child to make their choice of clothes, but set up a limited range of clothing options from which they can choose. You can even introduce the practical aspects in their choices as part of their vocabulary and learning, (such as wearing a jumper when it’s cold) as suggested by the Australian Children’s Education and Care Quality Authority (5).
3. Children explore their self image through play
In Taylor Says No! Taylor finds her look by ‘dressing up’ in the clothes shop while her mother is shopping. Many children begin their exploration with clothing by exploring their mother’s clothing, and these experiments can end up progressing to the dress ups box in early education or kindergarten.
When it comes to clothing preferences, the idea that your body is an object in space with a certain size and shape is an important one, opening a world of expression with the body (1). This includes experimenting with different forms of movement and postures and playing with clothing and accessories.
Allowing children some exploration and play in clothing stores, even if it is just in a thrift store, to see what your child is drawn to and what they like, can be a great way of understanding if your child has a preference you can identify. Once you know what they like you can help them language their choices and more easily work with them.
4. The situation is sometimes complicated by societal pressures on parents
Taylor’s mother has a very articulate idea of why she dresses her daughter as she does. Not this or that colour, but one that matches her hair, just as she dresses. Most parents I’ve met don’t discuss their child’s clothing very much. And when there is a style or preference that shows in the way the child is dressed, it doesn’t seem to be the result of such detailed reasoning, so I’ve used some poetic license here! But a lot of parents will relate to Taylor’s mother as well as some of the Hellsinki mothers in Sara Liski’s Master’s research group, (6), who felt that if they dressed their child in a way they thought looked nice, they felt others would think they looked nice as well. This study shows that the first item of baby clothing a woman buys during pregnancy ends up being a potent symbol of her transition to motherhood, and that women initially buy children’s clothing as a mixture of personal taste and an expression of care for their child as a mother.
Both Liski (6) and Andersen, Sorensen, & Kjaer (7) make the point that parents go to extra lengths to ensure their children look nice when they are out and about, amongst other families and children. They assert that clothing often functions as a symbol of the parent’s care for their children and the values their family embrace. Many of Liski’s mothers for example, embraced recycled and ethical clothing and wanted to be seen as practical and ethical consumers.
Both studies noted that ensuring their children ‘scrub up’ and present well can be a source of anxiety for parents, knowing that their parenting can be judged on how well turned out their children appear. Perhaps this is why it makes such sense that the ‘thumbs up’ given by the sales assistants in Taylor Says No! helps Taylor’s mother to see her choice of contrasting colours as more than just an act of defiance, but also a viable alternative.
5. Fussy dressers often have a signature look, colour, motif or theme — when this is identified, parents and children can be each other’s allies
A fussy child shares their parent’s concern for being seen to appear appropriately. The challenge is to find the sweet spot where the child’s sense of style falls within the realms of what their parents find appropriate. Of course parents can differ on this matter. For some the most important thing is for their children to look clean, comfortable, tidy and be sensibly dressed for the season. Others, like Taylor’s mother, also have a style they wish to impart, and others care very much about organic fabric, ethical production or price. Every family and every parent is different.
Crewe and Collinson note in their paper (8) that children develop their tastes from a broad range of sources including media, retail and peers, as well as the influence of their parents and the lifestyle and patterns of spending of their household. So even though it may not feel like it, parents do have a large influence in shaping their children’s tastes.
Just as Taylor finds her style by contrasting it with her colouring instead of matching it, similarly, the children I’ve known tended to have an identifiable and predictable theme, aesthetic or look. From rock-star denims to tu-tu skirts, rainbow motifs, nautical navy and white wardrobes or superman capes, there was always something about the fussy ones that defined their style. I’ve noticed that parents who have identified and accommodated these tastes in ways that suit their family, are the ones who have been able to nurture these individuals without the tantrums and arguments.
My picture book Taylor Says No! Is available at xlibris.com/bookstore.
1. Brownell, C.A., Zerwas, S., and Ramani, G.B. So Big: The Development of Body Self Awareness in Toddlers. In Child Development. 2007 ; 78(5): 1426–1440.
2. Grose, J. Why kids fight getting dressed: Every morning is a living nightmare. New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/01/15/parenting/why-kids-fight-getting-dressed.html Jan 2020
3. Loftus, Yolanda. Autism Fabrics: Finding the Right Materials for Kids on the Spectrum. In Autism Parenting Magazine, Oct 27, 2021 https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/autism-spectrum-fabrics/
4. Victorian State Government, Australia. Concept Development and Vocabulary. Literacy Teaching Toolkit, https://www.education.vic.gov.au/childhood/professionals/learning/ecliteracy/interactingwithothers/Pages/conceptsdevelopmentandvocabulary.aspx#
Feb 2019.
5. Australian Children’s Education and Care Quality Authority (ACECQA). What children wear to education and care. StartingBlocks.gov.au: Your first step into early childhood education & care. (No date) https://www.startingblocks.gov.au/other-resources/factsheets/dressing-your-child-for-education-and-care
6. Liski, S. First-time mothers & Symbolic Consumption. The role of baby clothing consumption in woman’s transition to motherhood. (Master’s Thesis) Lund University, May 2020.
7. Andersen, L. P., Sorensen, E., & Kjaer, M. B. Not Too Conspicuous, Mothers’ Consumption of Baby Clothing, in Advances in Consumer Research — European Conference 2008 Proceedings, 8, 94–98.
8. Crewe, L., Collins, P. Commodifying children: fashion, space, and the production of the profitable child. In Environment and Planning A 2006, volume 38, pages 7–24, Revised Dec 2004
