I Now Know Why Einstein Never Combed His Hair: A PhD Student’s Musings
Is a PhD designed to break one’s soul?
My body now wakes up at 2:47 AM every morning, and my brain runs to process, receive, and synthesize information. I’ve even cut my hair — hair I’d invested almost 15 years in growing. Y’all, a black girl’s hair and the energy it takes for its maintenance is a whole research area, and my PhD life ain’t having it. I’ve stopped cooking. I’ve moved to a studio away from my family and the comfort of my queen-sized bed. I’ve even begun to tell myself that I now know why Albert Einstein never combed his hair. (I do realize Einstein’s hair may have had nothing to do with intellectual rigor — but a girl is allowed to dream). I’ve done all these things because this is who I’ve become — a doctoral student. I may as well live in an RV and eat only ramen for the foreseeable future. Haha…this is the new me — at least, in this PhD season! This version of me is one I plan to study as soon as I cross the stage and recover from the trauma of this “meaningful journey I chose and still choose to embark on.” (Smiley face)
There’s a quote that has held me in my seat as I’ve taken this roller coaster ride of doctoral studies: “Give thyself wholly to these things, that thy profiting may appear to all.” I choose each day to commit to the process; I don’t always trust it, but like some kind of marriage, I commit to it.
The expression I used in my opening sentence, “breaking your soul,” might immediately sound terrible or negative, but I do believe that there is “gold” that could pour out of breaking one’s soul. If you use author Simon Bar Yonah Peter Cephas’s writings on suffering as a conceptual framework to understand the struggles of the dissertation process, you will quickly realize that one can “count it all joy when going through trials…because the testing of one’s faith produces patience, and patience is more precious than silver or gold” [paraphrased for my blogging purposes]. The end of the dissertation journey, should I choose to finish, is a robust system built to solve problems, one that does not quiver in the face of setbacks and challenges. I then become this individual who can formulate problems I’m presented with and propose evidence-based solutions, on which organizations, industries, and individuals can build structures, products, and services.
Dr. Monica Cox, who I’ve been privileged to work with on a project, wrote a book called “Demystifying the Engineering Ph.D.,” which helps uncover what the outcomes of a doctoral journey in the field of engineering means for diverse careers in industry and academia — good-read for anyone aspiring. Check it out or share it with someone in the process of making this decision.
I personally think there’s a lot of value in going through the PhD process. That said, I will be the first person to tell you that it’s not an easy journey — it could be, in fact, a soul-breaking journey. But I believe (for me and for you), what comes out of it is pure gold. I think of the soul as a muscle; it’s built to repair itself when you work out — “break” it. It doesn’t break your spirit, which is important to add — it just humbles you. It teaches you that you don’t know it all. The doctoral process is built on the back of feedback, and receiving feedback (constructive or not) requires humility. You are allowed to filter through feedback, but you gotta receive it first, and that, darling, has humbled the silent but arrogant engineer in me. You will have to humble yourself. There’s no way to progress in your PhD journey without humbling yourself to one person or another, or even to a group of people like your dissertation committee.
I thought to leave these thoughts here because I’m currently in the middle of the fires and the deformations aimed at breaking — or better put, forging — my soul in this dissertation journey. I hope to encourage those who are on this journey to keep going — that’s all I got. I don’t have a lot of encouragement for you, but if you have encouragement for me, please comment below. And to those who have already done this, I say kudos. I have a lot of respect and honor for people who have pursued this dissertation journey, especially at institutions that value high-quality work. Hopefully, as I run my race, I can write more on my blog because that’s something I really enjoy.
A disclaimer I would like to add is that this is in no way meant to seem like I do not have any support in my pursuit of my PhD. Oh boy! I do have a lot of support. In fact, I have a lot of support from my family, friends, and especially from my PIs and my PhD advisor (working with this individual is one of the best and most important decisions I have made in my journey). They all have been immensely supportive. The nature of the PhD, however, or the nature of the dissertation, is very isolating. There are certain things that you can receive support for, but the forging of your soul is something you alone must bear. I just had to include this disclaimer in my writing. There’s way too much negativity and hopelessness in the world — but this is my silver lining.
To conclude, this is simply a learning process, and just like a lot of learning experiences, it can be “cognitively taxing” (whatever that means). So I’m not sure why Einstein’s hair never looks combed in pictures, but I argue, claim, and assert that “I think I do!” What you just read above is my crafted argument, where I presented my reasons and evidence. (Haha…researchers may get the joke)
Well, thank you for reading.
