I’m Not a Nice Guy. I’m a Good Man.

Nice guys finish last.

It’s a saying that’s been around for a long time, longer than I’ve been walking the Earth. And it certainly feels that way sometimes. But a lot of men were raised to be nice guys, the type of men who are kind, generous, and caring. Unfortunately, the world rarely treats nice guys well, and sometimes for good reason.

That’s why it’s time to be a good man. The difference between the two is as important as it is subtle, and will prove to be a key coping mechanism for men in the future. Simply put, stand up for yourself and what’s right without hurting other people. Set boundaries. Be real. Be a good man.

Nice Guys Finish La… Actually, They Get Crushed

What the world demands from men has changed drastically over the years. At the same time, it hasn’t changed as much as we think it has. If that seems confusing to you, you’re right. It makes no sense, but that’s a huge part of being a modern man.

Culture started telling men that they had to be more open with their emotions. They were expected to talk about the stresses that were eating them up inside and learn to manage their emotions better. That’s not a bad thing. At the same time, the world still wanted men to be classic, the stoic breadwinners who went out and took care of business without shedding even a solitary tear.

Yes, that is contradictory. It’s part of the duality of manliness that is at the core of men’s mental health issues as well as the ever growing issue of loneliness they are coping with. And it all begins with the push for men to be nice.

In this context, we think nice means happy, supportive, and selfless. These are all good qualities to have. The problem is that modern culture wants men to have these qualities but certainly does not value men who exhibit them. Men who are perceived as nice are:

• Often passed over for promotions,
• Often ignored by women,
• Rarely have their needs considered or met; and
• Frequently perceived as weak.

Nice guys don’t just finish last. They get absolutely crushed by life. The world wants nice guys and yet it doesn’t care about their well being. We see it time and time again in our own friend groups. There’s always at least one really nice guy who has a crappy job and no love life. He’s the person you call when you need help moving or a ride to the airport. Everyone knows he’s a nice guy and a great friend but his life isn’t all it could be.

If you don’t know who that person is in your circle of friends, it might be you. I realized I was that guy a while ago. It wasn’t a good day for me.

The crappy part is there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with being nice. It’s a good thing. But the world see’s nice guys as marks, as people to be taken advantage of and used until there is nothing left. And more often than not, those same nice guys are not as nice as they actually seem to be. There is something men can do to fix this problem, though.

Becoming a Good Man

Being a good man is a lot like being a nice guy. You’re still the first person to volunteer to help someone move or drive someone to the airport. You still treat other people with respect and dignity. You still put the needs of others before your own.

The difference is how those situations get handled and the boundaries you set while doing them.

A good man isn’t afraid to take a step back when someone is taking advantage of their nature. A good man cuts toxic people out of their life. A good man stands up for himself when necessary, and doesn’t let the world treat them like a doormat.

The truth is that being nice doesn’t actually get you anywhere. Just because you’re pleasant to be around and put others first doesn’t mean the world owes you anything. If you want something from life, you have to be strong enough to reach for it on your own. There are going to be times when you have to put yourself first, and that’s not selfish. It’s more selfish not to.

That’s when being the nice guy becomes toxic. A lot of guys carry a strange sense of entitlement when it comes to being nice. They think that because they’re acting nice, women will flock to them and if they don’t they’re bad people. Being nice isn’t a form of currency. Women don’t owe you shit because you’re nice. Neither does your job or the rest of the world for that matter. Period. Good men know that’s not how things work.

Let’s be honest, here. If you’re only being nice to get something from someone, then you’re really not that nice, are you? A truly good man does what needs to be done because it needs to be done. No reward is necessary. Motivation matters, and most people pick up on those vibes whether they realize it or not. It’s part of the reason why nice guys give a large number of women the “ick.”

The real difference is that being a good man is an active choice in how you live your life while being a nice guy is only a selfish façade. Take a long look at yourself and ask yourself which one of these categories you fall into.

Keep in mind I’m certainly not suggesting that you should treat people like garbage. Treat other people the way you expect to be treated, with respect, dignity, kindness, and consideration in all situations. All I’m saying is you also shouldn’t let people walk all over you, and it’s just as hard to live like that as you think it is.

A Life Filled with Boundaries

What we’re really talking about here is setting healthy boundaries in all aspects of your life. It’s not an easy thing to do though it is incredibly important. Creating boundaries at work, in friendships, and definitely in romantic relationships is key to surviving life.

Good men set boundaries. Nice guys don’t, then get mad when people don’t respect their non-existent boundaries.

If you’re like me I used to be and you’ve lived most of your life as a supposed nice guy, people are used to you acting a certain way. When you start making the change to being a good man and setting the boundaries that comes with it, some of those people will get mad at you for it. They’ll see you as selfish.

Truthfully, you do have to be a little bit selfish to make this work. That’s part of making those boundaries a reality. And any friend who doesn’t support you taking better care of yourself might be one of those toxic people you need to cut out of your life.

When you take a step back and look at which friends truly support you versus the ones who are just taking advantage of you, you’ll find the latter definitely don’t want you setting any kind of boundaries. It’s kind of funny how that always seems to line up, though not particularly surprising. Toxic friends want you to have no boundaries so they can use you.

Being nice might not seem like a bad thing but it comes with a lot of toxic tendencies, a complete lack of boundaries, and a surprising amount of bullshit. Instead, strive to be a good man. Take care of other people but don’t be afraid to take care of yourself.

Good men matter to the world so be one.